Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I wasn't that drunk." "Dude you logged into Myspace"

   When I was a kid I thought room service was for rich people. Now I realize it's for lazy, hungover people who can't find their pants.

   Good looks are so important when choosing a doctor.

   The best way to tell if you just got your ass kicked and lost the fight? The cops run to him and the paramedics run to you.

   If anybody needs any light electrical work or masonry done, DM me. I can't help but I like getting messages.

   You don't know this but right after you leave the restaurant with your crying baby the rest of us applaud.

   when I was growing up, we were so poor we would go to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other peoples fingers.

   I wonder if Titanic would have been as romantic if Jack would have said, "Hey Rose how bout we let me get on the headboard for just a couple of minutes"....

   Remember back when phones hung on the wall and didn't have caller ID and you'd run as fast as you could to answer it in hopes it was for you? Times sure have changed! Now we can peek at who's calling us and either get excited or pretend we're not home.

   That cougar on the cover of Time magazine is taking' it a bit too far.

   Theoretically, you can't really complain if there's a pubic hair on your everything bagel.

   Post some more song lyrics as your status. Someone will eventually understand your struggle.

   For $2.20 you can get a medium coffee and a free 14 year supplies worth of napkins at dunkin donuts.

   McDonald's should start gearing ads toward their target audience: husky toddlers and seagulls.

   You can tell a lot about a person by holding them hostage and asking them questions.

   The one good thing about Monday morning, It's the farthest from next Monday you're going to be.

   Why is it called "raw sewage?" Does that mean that someone, somewhere, is cooking the sh!t?

   I wonder how many times that fat kid on Adam's Family locked himself in the bathroom with a playboy and that freaky hand thing?!?!

   A survey found 95% of men don't know how to turn a dishwasher on. Personally I find licking her nipples and a light fingering does the trick.

   Roach joints. Because yeah... I recycle! :)