Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   gave my wife a Klondike bar...still waiting to see what she's going to do

   Buying water at baseball games is ridiculous! $5 for water?!?! If I wanted to pay $5 for water, I would buy Miller Lite.

   I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.

   I believe in Karma, Mainly because I can do bad things to people I don't like and assume they deserved it .

   Teens moms, calling yourself a mother because you gave birth is calling me a doctor because I own Band-aids.

   Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of s$it.

   The less you give a f$ck, the happier you will be.

   It's hard to romance the woman of your dreams when you are her worst nightmare.

   History repeats itself...soon we'll all be on horses..robbing banks and carrying guns

   Alzheimers isn't so bad...I been playing I spy with my little eye..by myself for hours

   Jiffy Pop Time!!! As much fun to make as it is to eat....oh crap, wait...what yr is it?? How long have I been asleep

   I know I overdo goodbyes to the Ladies. They dont all have to end in a slow dance to "Careless Whisper".

   the wheels of the bus go round and round. And it's making me sick.

   Dont be jealous of me... If you had to walk a mile in my shoes, you'd probably need a year of therapy

   Kidnapping? I prefer the term "surprise adoption"

   Wow, it works!!!!! Be right back, gonna try out my new time machine.....Let's see how this goes!!!!!

   You'll have to speak-up, i'm wearing a towel.

   Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.

   No working during drinking hours!!

   To a man, the sweetest sound on Earth is the sexual moan of the woman he's pleasuring!