Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stevie Wonder's nephew was charged with trying to extort his famous uncle....I guess Stevie never saw that coming!

   A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.

   Your Body is a Temple, let the Spirits in....preferably in shot form.

   Feminism is the belief that both sexes may become equal by focusing solely on one of them.

   Rats are under rated. Just check your dictionary.

   Hey Timex, if I end up 660ft under water... I'm pretty sure that I won't need a watch.

   I always keep a bottle of champagne and a large cigar under my side of the bed............. Just in case the wife stops breathing.

   You don't need a parachute to skydive......unless you want to do it again.

   I'm thinking of dropping the whole "I'm from the street/thug life" persona.

   Today's a great day to stalk someone you haven't seen since high school and say, "You wrote 'keep in touch' in my yearbook, well here I am!"

   When the artist dies, this roll of flower print Bounty is going to be worth a fortune.

   While I'm flattered Smoky thinks otherwise, I'm not the only one who can prevent forest fires.

   "Cookies n cream" ice cream is really just cookies and ice cream.

   I'm thinking of doing a butter sculpture of a stick of butter. I hope nobody has done that one yet.

   (╮°-°)╮┳━┳ " make me a Sandwich!" .. Girlfriend : ( -.-) "HELL NO!" ..... (╯°□°)╯ ┻━┻ "THE HELL YOU SAY ?"

   When you hear people speak in another language: 6% I wish I could speak that. 94% Those b**ches better not be talking about me...

   You don't have to be perfect to be useful....the rusty nail still holds the roof on.

   Facing your problems is like facing a bull...either take them by the horns, or run like hell.

   The pretty girl may get the husband....but the nice girl gets the best man.

   [ ] single. [ ] taken. [X] I get about as much attention as a white crayon."