Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever been really thirsty and really bored at the same time? That's how houseplants feel all the time.

   Use yes and no once. 1) Are you gay?:_____ 2) Are you lying?:_____

   I keep a baseball bat under my bed just incase someone breaks into my house while I'm sleeping and throws a baseball at me

   "Parkinson's" is a way better name than what it was first called in the 70's - "Involuntary Boogie Party".

   Bought my wife bagels this morning so she dont have to cook breakfast...Happy Mother s day:)

   thats weird?! all my mom wanted was cool whip for mothers day.

   mama gettin a lil out of control with this mothers day thing , she want me to rub her feet.

   Happy Mamacita's Day to all the Senoritas who played for keeps

   You were all the elite sperm in an ejaculation. So, please, do not doubt yourselves - you are awesome!

   99% of girls are hot. The other 1% go to my school.

   I hate when cashiers ask "Is that everything?" Uh no B$tch, I'd also like all this invisible sh$t...

   I text my Ex yesterday and she didn't text back..Obviously she passed out of excitement!

   Today, we celebrate to all the chicks that said "leave it in"

   I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

   I will stop drinking when a mute guy tells a deaf guy that a blind guy saw a legless guy walk on water. Get the hint?

   "girls will be boys" - Thai tourism board

   My leg fell asleep; so this means I qualify for handicap parking right?

   Happy Mothers Day to all of you moms and single moms. Also, if any of you women are looking to be a mom; hit me up on the DM.

   Inspired by T.G.I. Fridays, I opened a restaurant called C.L.I. Tuesdays. No one could find it.

   I am starting to think my life is like a revolving door.... Every time I hesitate to go through I get slapped by the door as it passes