Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When giving a tour of my apartment, I just point at things and say, "I got my head stuck in that."

   When they say, "Hello, sir. Can you sign this petition to end guilt-tripping outside of supermarkets?" Then I'll sign.

   My will stipulates that I'm to be buried with an air pump so that I can inflate my underground enemies during any wild games of Dig Dug.

   People who say, "In my humble opinion" are almost never humble.

   Can't wait until nothing happens on 12/21/2012.

   WARNING: Reflections in this mirror may be distorted by socially constructed ideas of 'beauty'

   ...just here baking in my own dutch oven... curse you taco bell!

   I would have gone to Clooney's fundraiser for Obama, but I spent my last $40,000 on gas.......

   You know that line that you aren't supposed to cross? I think I just snorted it.

   Everything happens for a reason. Getting stupid and making poor decisions are the most common reasons.

   I may be rude crude and socially unnacceptable but I'm cute dammit!

   Pro Tip: Men Here's my advice on women: Don't give them nicknames like jumbo or boxcar & always get receipts for stuff you bought. It makes you look like a smart business guy!

   Considering I'm still sitting here in my underwear eating beef jerky and Reese's peanut butter cups, you all may want to chose someone else to take advice from today!

   Am I supposed to be more mature now that I'm older? Because "ILuvBigBoobs" is still pretty much my password for everything I have!

   People who over exaggerate literally make me want to shoot myself in the face 287 billion times.

   Some days I think I should start seriously dating again.. But the last time I got dumped by a girlfriend, I hijacked a taco truck & lived in a forest preserve for 3 months. Soo What I'm trying to say is I'm a survivor dammit!!

   If I Can See It, Smell It, Or Pee On It, It Belongs To Me!! ~ I Got The Big Dog Attitude Today!.. Or It Can Also Be Called I Just Had 2 Beers Attitude!

   You should Go Ahead and live life with regrets because the more bad decisions you make tonight the better your Facebook Posts will be tomorrow!

   I got a bit drunk last night and now I just got woke up by a lawnmower!!! I don't know who the hell it is but they have to mow around me I an NOT moving!

   Today My doctor was checking my Balls for lumps but the Doctor said I crossed the line and it was very awkward when I ran my fingers through her hair... Again how is it that I crossed the line and she didnt???