Funny Status Messages
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"Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife" [groom looks at bride], groom says "Is this the only time you never answer for me in front of everybody?"! 
That embarrassing moment when you shoot a three pointer at a dustbin and miss.
Give a woman an inch and she'll laugh while telling all of her friends...
girl I'm friends with on Facebook recently broke up with her boyfriend and now I know all the lyrics to Taylor Swift's first cd
My ideal location to propose would be The Grand Canyon Skywalk...that way if she says "No'' I'll just push her over the bridge.
Priscilla Chan is to Mark Zuckerberg as Yoko Ono is to ...
It's all fun and games untill someone spills bong water on the last slice of pizza!
it true that every girl is a patron bottle away from a lesbian experience? Because they have that sh!t on sale at Costco right now.
My girlfriend doesn't like it when I talk about her weight, she thinks it's a heavy subject
At some point you just stop wiping your kid's ass for him and hope for the best.
Before sliced bread, the best invention was food that didn't run away when you tried to eat it.
Arguing with a woman is like bringing a knife to a gun fight, then repeatedly stabbing yourself with it.
My blonde GF kept yelling out 43 days! 43 days! I finally asked her why she kept saying that. She said she finished a puzzle that said 4-5 Years on the box.
I've never met a person that liked me I didn't like.
Hey old guys wearing your hats backwards, you're making it worse.
I wonder if kids in China ever look at their happy meal toys and think, "Hey, I made this."
You're telling me things I want to hear, but you're not showing me the things I want to see. - said the golddigger
Oral sex is a beautiful way to say good night.
Most of my longest relationships have been with deep dish pizzas.
"Mirror, mirror on the the wall, who's the most expressionless one of them all?" --how I imagine this Kristen Stewart Snow White movie going 