Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm back in the HR office today, apparently "Kill myself" was not an appropriate response when by boss asked me, "What would you do if you were me?"

   I reviewed the statistics, crunched some numbers and calculated the risk and discovered that the chances of me get ran over while sitting on my couch are far less than they are when I am jogging. I must be lazy for my wellbeing.......

   I have give myself a pat on the back. I've been workin' with Ms. Know-it-all for almost two years... and she is still breathin'. :)

   The best revenge for your EX, is inviting them to your wedding :)

   I wish the first rule of Christianity was exactly the same as the first rule of Fight Club.

   My buddy just told me that I jump every time my girlfriend says jump. That's just stupid, I'm white and everyone knows white men can't jump.

   I am inventing a paint that is the same color and texture as bug guts because I don't like to wash my truck...

   White chicks will make themselves deep throatt the dikk, black chicks get to a certain limit like "I can't do this"

   If you're looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week for about $1000 a week please contact me!!! We can look for it together.

   When I was little I didn't care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it's obvious that my parents didn't care either.

   Money :::: humans are the only species that have to pay to live on earth..

   Wanna have a happy relationship? Try switching your gf's lipstick into gluestick!

   I currently have six quarters jingling in my front left pocket designated as "spares".

   A dog asks a cat "How come I've never seen you cats making love in public?" The cat replies, "Do you want humans to steal our style like they did yours?"

   Apparently alcohol contains female hormones. After you drink enough, you can't neither drive nor shut the hell up

   Golf ball sized hail wouldn't be so destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.Do I have to think of everything?!

   It's depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.

   I gave my wife a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she's still not talking to me.

   How is the show "Deadliest Catch" not about AIDS?

   SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who's ever used a cell phone will die.