Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your body is a temple, I have a confession to make.

   A huge ass spider crawled across my bed and now I can't sleep because the firefighters are here putting out the mattress flames.

   Apparently I offended a midget with one of my jokes. I told him to grow up.

   When the going gets tough the tough get vodka.

   I hate when I run into the one that got away at the grocery store… and she's all like “There's the son of a b!tch who kidnapped me!”

   Always be yourself. Unless you need a ride home from the airport, then be whoever's name is on the closest limo driver's card.

   When Zuckerberg's wife divorces him… I hope she takes the half of Facebook that has the timeline and security settings.

   Tiger Woods has gotten so bad that bl@ck people are starting to acknowledge his other nationalities.

   If your bio says “Single and looking for fun” you better be ugly or we'll know you're sp@m. Pretty women don't look for fun… fun finds them.

   If you love something, let it go... down on you.

   I bought some skinny jeans… but they're 2 sizes too big, so I just call them jeans.

   When I'm at the bar, I buy women drinks based on how high their heels are just so I'll have something to laugh at later when they're drunk.

   I just drank a whole pot of coffee and now I can stutter in sign language.

   When I see a guy tweeting nothing but sweet quotes for women, I feel bad for him. It has to suck never having a girlfriend.

   When I turn up the car radio, that's a sign to shut up… not talk louder and ruin the song.

   If even a fraction of you women were as slutty as you pretend to be here, there'd be a lot less men talking about what they do to socks.

   I wish I had a nickel for every time I wanted to sell weed.

   I'm sorry I upset you. I'll try not to be right next time.

   Checked out Instagram. It's mostly pics of what people had for dinner. I didn't want to feel left out so I took a pic of the sh!t I just took.

   Women like foreign accents my ass… I've been talking like Marvin the Martian all night and haven't gotten one single phone number.