Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

   Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

   If you think that a mustache is what made Mr. Potato Head gender specific, you've never met my cousin Vincenza.

   You know what it means now that Mr. Potato Head has been made gender neutral? Yep. No more Tater Tots.

   Prepare for what you can't Predict & Adapt for what you can't Control.

   My dear Girl ..I also became a writer by writing and wtiting about you .. !!

   n Germany they are preparing for the crisis by stocking up with sausage and cheese. That’s the Wurst Käse scenario.

   I'm also writing to make you be aware of what a incredible encounter our princess enjoyed reading through yuor web blog. She realized a good number of things, which include how it is like to have an excellent coaching nature to make men and women really e

   Fun Fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, "Marco" and then an even fainter, "Polo."

   What is another name for a farting contest? A wind-wind situation!

   A thing I learned during the past four years: Bad behavior gets you nowhere.

   Jo I hate it when tramps sit next to cash machines and ask you for change, cash machines only give out notes. If you want change, go sit next to a pay phone!

   Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

   How to win an argument with a woman: 1. Too late, you’re already wrong.

   I’m tired of people complaining about $7.00 dollars beers, $10.00 dollars parking, and $20.00 dollars cover charge. Don’t like the prices? Stop coming to my house.

   Hey, NASA, do you mind looking for my son’s shoe while you’re on Mars? He’s looked “everywhere.”

   The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it!

   PSA: Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they still fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

   Hey, Coca-Cola! I don't know how to be "less white", but I do know how to drink less Coke.

   Gas prices are soaring and inflation around the corner, but thank God their are no offensive tweets.