Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The coolest suicide would be to moisturize and not stop moisturizing until you become a tiny pond that fish and turtles live in

   I don't understand why women spend so much money on sunglasses. It would be less expensive to just tint the kitchen window...

   Remember, You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

   In a lesbian relationship who makes the sandwich? Neither they both eat out.

   I don't get why women spend so much money on sunglasses...it would be way cheaper just tinting the kitchen window

   how do you make 5 lbs of fat look good? Put a nipple on it!

   Breaking news the 5th Dentist caved and now 5 out 5 recommend trident gum!!!!!!!!

   All this news about Zombies you better go get your Zombie vaccinations..

   You know, when you think about it, based on her color and size Snookie would make a great buoy.

   Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison?

   Its not you I'm rejecting Its my heart I'm protecting

   All this talk about zombies is making me very hungry..

   this just in.... apparently the reason why bieber assaulted the cameraman is because he was taking pictures of his camel toe.

   Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same

   Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it was invented anywhere else, it woulda been called a "teethbrush."

   They say that the first sign of alcoholism is drinking alone. I have a dog, so I don't have to worry about that.

   50 Shades of Grey is stupid. They made the movie before the book. It's called porn... and thanks to the internet, it's free.

   You're too cute to be single." and you're too ugly to be flirting with me.

   Sleep with a girl with a spray tan? No thanks. I'll just stick my d$ck into a bag of Cheetos.

   Gym, tan, listen to tiesto's club life