Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "im a good girl" -bad girls

   Theory is when you know everything but nothing works, Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.... At work Theory and Practice is combined, as nothing works and no one knows why :)

   Facebook stock continues to lose value, in fact it's so bad, hundreds of farmville farms are going into foreclosure.......

   ...when the therapist asked me about my relationship with your parents, I replied "non sexual" the facial expressions were well worth the $100 dollars.

   I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's really hard to pronounce...

   If I had a nickel for every time I ignored your petville request, I could buy the Los Angeles Zoo..

   "Hey I just met you and this is crazy but here's my lumber so haul me maybe?" - Mexicans outside Home Depot.

   God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.

   Its all fun and games till your both naked and someone is getting their face nawed on.

   My dream job would be to drive the karma bus.

   FACT: In the Czech Republic, abortions are called cancelled Czechs

   Dudes who wear skinny jeans, you took the phrase "I got in her pants" the wrong way...

   Dear parent constantly bragging about your kid on Facebook, everybody else is rooting for your kid to fail.

   I've been making the same mistakes in life for so long, I should just call them traditions!

   Honey, why don't you take a break, you're working too hard." = "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

   BEST PICK UP LINE: Let´s drink Vodka until you don´t remember what I suggest next..

   Listen, I'm not fat ok, I'm just so sexy that it overflows.

   Women are like horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and they're usually wrong.

   I met a cute girl in the tampon section, so I asked her if I could take her out in 5 to 7 days.

   You know you're good at Threesomes when you get both women pregnant.