Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it was invented anywhere else, it woulda been called a "teethbrush."

   They say that the first sign of alcoholism is drinking alone. I have a dog, so I don't have to worry about that.

   50 Shades of Grey is stupid. They made the movie before the book. It's called porn... and thanks to the internet, it's free.

   You're too cute to be single." and you're too ugly to be flirting with me.

   Sleep with a girl with a spray tan? No thanks. I'll just stick my d$ck into a bag of Cheetos.

   Gym, tan, listen to tiesto's club life

   The morbidly obese make the best roll models.

   "Once you go black, you never go back!" I shouted as I threw my 3 week old bananas in the trash.....

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it's my cellphone

   If you wake up from a night of partying with no memory of the night before, Do 3 things; 1.) Count your money 2.) Get tested 3.) Stay the hell away from where you were drinking because you probably pissed someone off.

   When you realize you just clicked "Send" on a text to the wrong person, and you quickly hit every button on your phone to try and stop it.

   People will always throw stones in your path ! It dpends on You ! what do You make from it: A “Wall” of difficulties. OR, A “Bridge of success.

   All these years, I just realize........ Can someone please explain to me why the kids from Scooby-Doo were afraid of people in masks, but were totally cool with a talking dog?!

   I have a friend with only one eye. I like to show him weird sh*t and tell him "You won't believe your eye!"

   I don't get these "my body is a temple" people. I prefer to think of mine as a "bar & grill."

   we have chosen death over life, hatred over peace, arguments over understanding, conflict over family, etc. We are our own worse enemy endangered species!! Sad but true ain't nothing gonna change until dig within self and accept God "within"...

   How are poor people SO GOOD at finding money for tattoos???

   Mess with me? I'll let karma do its job. Mess with my family? I'll become karma.

   When you can do the common things in life in a uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

   Dealing with backstabbers, there was one thing I learned. They're only powerful when you got your back turned.