Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to call my toilet The Dumper, now I call it the Donald Trumper.

   Dog is man's best friend. Cat is an acquaintance.

   I don't mean to sound dubstep but boommmm ngeeekkk whoobwobwobwobwob whawhawhaw.

   Can someone please snort bath salts next time they see Justin Bieber in person?

   Has 99 problems. All bittches.

   Today I am the C.E.O of the "I Don't Give A Sh*t" Committee........ We Are Hiring

   The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink...

   Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but I have alzheimer's.................hey I just met you.

   The Best solution against Zombies, is Weed......Light em Up!

   If you have to kiss ass to get ahead… you got behind.

   Did you know the ocean gets it's saltiness from the tears of misunderstood sharks who just want to cuddle.

   The lady in front of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.

   I just want to find someone that doesn't deserve my affection so I don't feel guilty when I treat them like sh!t.

   It's not that I can't sleep it's more like sleep is really boring.

   Her: I want to kiss you where you pee. Me: In the shower?

   Sometimes I squirt mayonnaise across my breasts so I don't forget what it's like to have a boyfriend.

   If you keep your child on a leash in public, I will not hesitate to ask "Does he bite?"

   The early bird needs to shut up.

   Some legends say we must sacrifice Justin Bieber to appease the dark forces inside Syria.

   Lonely and unloved? There's a cat for that.