Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You cry, I cry. You smile, I smile. You laugh, I laugh. You bleed for a week, I visit my mom for a week.

   I'm single because I'm pretty good at recognizing crazy.

   Legal definition of sexual relations in West Virginia... Family reunion.

   My daughter ran into the wall, fell, got up, and ran into the same wall. Thank god she's pretty.

   If you use the term YOLO, then you are more than likely using these other popular phrases: “Would you like fries with that?” “Welcome to Walmart.” “Yes Officer. You may search my car under the terms of my probation.”

   I can easily tell from the quality of your p0sts when some of you have run out of weed.

   I bet that Magneto guy in X-Men has the best collection of fridge magnets.

   beware of dog...........the cat is fvcking shady as well

   I hate people who wear pajamas to the airport.

   Fellaz; there is a way to check out women without them knowing it. Learn it.

   knows if I had a dollar for every time I heard about an evangelist slapping his daughter, I would have a Creflo Dollar.

   Just in case you needed another reason to hate Kim Kardashian. She just bought Kayne a $750,000 Lambo for his b-day.

   Million Dollar Idea: Smoke detector with the setting "Just Burnt Food."

   At A yardsale today I bought a Large Minnie Mouse,is that Oxymoronic ? or just gay?

   Choosing a beer from my fridge makes me feel like I'm choosing the right weapon for an epic duel.

   Ghetto Word of the Day: Window “Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don't know window”.

   "Business in the front, party in the back" would be a terrible slogan for a medical clinic.

   "You gotta have Faith!" -enthusiastic review of a brothel on Yelp.

   I need some coffee just to get the energy to make coffee...

   When people ask me "How's life?", I sing them the chorus of Akon's Lonely while crying and slowly walk away.