Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm saving all my good posts for when I can think of some.

   If there's one thing I hate, it's self-loathing... If there's two things I hate, it's self-loathing and myself.

   The World is a Circus and The Devil is it's Ring Leader.

   I wish I could go back in time so I could remember where I was going with this update

   I feel like people would take clinical depression more seriously if we started calling it Frown Syndrome.

   "Okay, then why'd I just do that?" - Me, after punching someone who just said "Everything happens for a reason."

   I refuse to believe that everybody was kung fu fighting. I'm sorry, but there had to be at least a couple people sitting that one out.

   Trying to be less negative but it'll never work.

   How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??.....??

   My grandson just told me that walking to school uphill both ways when I was a kid sounds odd, & I should have found an alternative route on my GPS..

   I thinkin,,, People in rubber houses shouldn't throw stones either

   Ummm uh-oh,,,, My car's GPS asked me,,, "Who's Siri?"

   I think I'm just too intelligent for sanity

   Nothing screams "I have a small peni$!" like screaming "I have a small peni$!"

   Boobs= not much ass, Ass= no boobs, Ass and Boobs= ugly face, Ass, boobs and nice face= Slut. You can never win

   If a woman tells you size doesn't matter, she's a liar and you have a small pen!s.

   Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.

   If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven't decided yet.”

   I'll try and not get stopped at the Airport this year with a Batman Knuckle Duster in the case.

   If you can't spell "their/there/they're" then your parents need to go back to your high school and demand a refund.