Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only honest people in the world are small children and drunk people!

   In this lifetime you either win the Triple Crown or you get tendinitis. You can't have both.

   ghetto word of the day dictate ......that hoe say my dictate good

   ready to post something, anything on page 3000

   I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.!!

   I enjoypoetry, long romantic walks in the woods and poking dead things with a stick.

   BOY: "Hi" GIRL: "I have a boyfriend" BOY: "I said 'Hi' not suck my d!ck"

   I enjoy long walks on the Internet ;)

   Who the fnck do you think you are and why are you breathing?!!

   Hey guys, my first time flossing today. Quick question, how do you put the teeth that fell out back in?

   Dear people who post pictures of themselves kissing their lover of the moment; I hope you realise those pictures will come back to bite you in the ass when you are broken up and are back in the market looking for a new partner.

   Still waiting for the best day of my life to happen...!!!

   Can you be addicted to chaos? Date a Ginger and you'll understand

   At my funeral when they're lowering me into the ground I demand they play "Drop it like its hot"!!!

   A slug is just a snail with a housing problem.

   How to fix America: 1. Put all the money into education. 2. More Green Energy. 3. Stop airing Keeping Up with the Kardashians

   "Oh yeah, well my people invented nachos" - Easiest way for a Mexican person to win any argument

   Instead of cleaning my house I'll just make visitors do 3 shots on the front porch before they come in.

   It's cool how my wife can have an entire argument with me without me ever saying a word.

   Everyone pisses in the pool, but piss off the diving board one time and they call the cops.