Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know what's funny? Paintings of Adam & Eve where they both have belly buttons. Think about it, take all the time you need.

   I was just making a sandwich when I thought to myself, 'So, there is a downside to divorce'.

   What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

   Thank God for that warning label, I was about to use this lamp in the shower.

   Women only need 3.5 inches to reach maximum pleasure. Yes...It's called a credit card.

   I often wonder why there is no step ladder next to the "Ball Washer" at my golf course...

   Oh! I saw something that reminded me of you today, but don't worry I flushed it..

   The best place to hide a dead body is page 2 of Google search results.

   Admit it. When someone is mean to you, you spend the next 2 months winning arguments with them in your shower.

   I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run if you will, so I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.

   Super excited that bicycle seat sniffing season is already here!

   It was so hot today working outside I saw squirrels fanning their nuts.

   I asked a fortune teller to read my future. Suddenly, she went pale and sprinted from the room. So I grabbed the crystal ball, chased her down and beat her to death.

   I hate it when tramps sit next to cash machines and ask you for change, cash machines only give out notes. If you want change, go sit next to a pay phone!

   STOP holding secret meetings about my paranoia!

   Jewish women aren't cheap with the bl0wjobs

   A beautiful woman touched my balls! It was with her foot when she kicked me, & she thinks my name is “sexist pig”, but I think she likes me!

   Yeah, Mr Real stupid.

   This cop is not buying "I need it to scratch areas on my back I can't reach" as an excuse for carrying an AK-47.

   If you're looking for the Poop emoticon on Whatsapp, go straight to the "people" tab.