Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I catch that fleeting glimpse of the beautiful woman my daughter will become. They are usually followed by the urge to buy ammo.

   We should have pulled out of Afghanistan before we got it pregnant. Now we are gonna be stuck with support payments.

   I'm not even really looking for a sex partner, just a sex collaborator would be nice.

   This polo shirt has two buttoning options: uptight golf pr!ck or disco chest hair.

   I hate it when certain people exist.

   Ribbery looks like he was involved in a armed robbery!

   I'm gonna make this girl mine..... Right click, Save As....

   I don't " hate you"....I just dislike you so much that bile wells up in my esophagus when I think of your existence

   Pop up ads are the Jehovahs witness of the internet.

   I usually watch porn on mute; so the neighbors can hear me climax.

   Never trust a straight guy who can wrap a present.

   The female bottom is a wonderful sight to behold, and by behold I mean it's the most magnificent of grabable things.

   You're never too old to become younger.

   The best things in life make you sweaty.

   I raise the acceptable weight limit of potential sex partners everyday I go without getting laid. Today I hit 2 tons.

   Apparently a lot of sniffer dogs are vanishing into thin air...... Police say they have several leads...

   I waited so long to do laundry, that now I'm headed to the Laundromat wearing my Halloween costume….

   ive started drinking raw milk. no homo

   surprisingly Going on a killing spree has a minimal impact on your credit score.

   Never fight anyone who bows to you first.