Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   seriously science nerds. It's 2012; where's the calorie free booze???

   Nothing says "Love" like having a ShamWow tossed at your genitals after having sex.

   Did not know Osama Bin Laden's son plays for the Oklahoma City Thunder!!

   I consider the word Dodge on the front of my truck fair warning to jaywalkers."

   Hey, wanna hear a joke about Nirvana? No? Nevermind."

   If you squint your eyes real hard this post looks likes it's in Spanish........ (ok, stop before someone see's you)

   When I call my parents, and they don't answer it's no big deal but when they call me and I don't answer it's like World War II.

   Don't go out there alone... Take this status update with you.

   If I was a cop and I pulled over a drunk driver, I would make them do the Macarena as their sobriety test.

   Don't be mad when someone else starts to appreciate the person you took for granted. What you won't do, someone else will .

   hey rerun....ummmm, I mean stoner dudee. this is a website for new material, not yesterdays funnies.

   Just ran over my neighbor's cat, but I left a note saying "Curiosity was here" I'm probably safe, right?

   Driving a rental car means never knowing the safest place to wipe a booger without haphazardly finding someone else's.

   Come on guys and gals!!! There are people who visit every day who rely on us!!!

   Excuse me miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup there.

   I'd rather take it doggy from Liberace on my grandmothers gravesite while Debbie Gibson's Electric Youth is playing than watch Twilight.

   My girlfriend just texted me saying, "I want you to get me all wet when I get home ;)" So I got 15 water balloons ready.

   Skinny= Anorexic Thick= Obese. Virgin= Too good. Non-Virgin= Slut. Friendly= Fake. Quiet= Rude. It seems like you can never please society

   Free samples shouldn't be limited to grocery stores...How can I be sure this Fifth of Scotch is worth the $10 without a quick chug?!?

   Proud to say I've slowed my drinking down to only 7 nights a week.