Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doesn't really understand the big deal about walking a tightrope across Niagara Falls. I've been married for 14 years, try walking that tightrope Wallenda!

   Most Americans are overweight according to a study done by my eyeballs.

   Honey-girl,,,,, your skirt is so short ,,,, your STD's are showing

   The world world be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes

   Afroman was going to make another cd....but then he got high.

   Too many herbs have effd up my omelet.... If only I could turn back thyme...

   I attacked that beer like it was a defenceless woman in a carpark.

   Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but I'm on bath salts, and your face looks tasty.

   Hey has anyone tried that bacon sunday at bk? Or was that just an awesome dream I had last night...

   If my life flashes before my eyes, I hope it's not the special edition with all the deleted scenes I've blocked from my memory.

   Did you hear about the new show about Nigerian Airlines? Knot's Landing…

   I just heard a woman in a supermarket say this to her 7(ish) year old daughter... "Don't spit! Ladies never spit!" Priceless.

   Go Ahead! Make my sandwich.

   I tie up all my victims in forget me knots.

   I disagree revenge is a dish best served with arsenic.

   I'm pretty sure it was worse luck for the black cat that crossed my path than me, since I ran it over.

   I'm not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724

   Swallow it dammit, it's good for you - Your Pride

   My biggest fear this Sunday is to open my front door and see a kid who I don't know wish me a happy fathers day.

   So confused right now, don't know whether to join a gym or buy Photoshop.