Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate waking up after a night of drinking to realize I spent a bunch of money on something stupid. Anyway, I'm off to the airport to pick up my Russian mail order bride.

   If it weren't for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.

   Today, I saw a license plate frame "My car, daddy's money" on a battered Chevy Aveo. Daddy had 600 bucks, eh? Calm down, princess.

   I'll know love when I see it. That's why I refuse to get corrective lenses.

   the store has close parking spots for "new parents"...if I adopt a 10 yr old, do I get to park there?

   I like when the carpet matches the drapes......and by carpet I mean Shag rug.

   Happy Father's Day to all the Dads who went out to get some milk, & actually came back home.

   hey dad, thanks for using a cheap condom...mom did the rest of the work

   happy sperm donor day

   bought a box of condoms tonight..... when I walked in the house my wife asked me" why did you buy a year's supply for?"

   maury... a one man crusade to make fathers day a celebration for all men.

   If I can just make it one more day without some kid that I've never seen before wishing me a happy father's day this weekend will be a success.

   Just because ur wearing a metal mulisha shirt and ur tatted up doesn't make you a gangster... It means your trying to hard to fit in

   America... Where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.

   It funny that when it's black on white, it's a crime. When it it's white on black, it's a hate crime.

   Friends are forever, until they get in a relationship.

   It's hard to pretend you love someone when you don't, but it's harder to pretend you don't love someone when you really do.

   The leading cause of depression is reality.

   Fighting for peace is like f^cking for virginity.

   Do people who wear Tapout know that that's the name for what the loser does?