Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are evil!! Any animal that bleeds for three or four days and doesn't die has got to be demon spawn!!

   As another summer movie blockbuster season begins. Once again, Hollywood denies us a Jake and the Fatman movie.

   I got 98.988 problems and rounding up is one of them.

   A handprint in clay is a great Father's Day gift from a three year old. Kinda creepy from a thirty year old, though.

   How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.

   Be careful and take this status update with you.

   Bought my girlfriend Sarah Jessica Parker's perfume and I swear she smells like grass and hay now.

   a real woman rotates tha batteries in her remote wit tha batteries in her vibrator

   You don't drown by falling in water. You drown by staying there.

   At this point, group photos of Aerosmith are indistinguishable from publicity stills for a roadshow of "Cats"

   Preparing a romantic bath for my exboyfriend: candles, flowers, soft music, bath salts, toaster...

   If only the Olympics had an event that involved falling down and not spilling your drink...

   If you still talk about it, you still care about it.

   I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven

   M̸o̸n̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸u̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ W̸e̸d̸n̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸h̸u̸r̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ Friday Saturday Sunday

   Guys who say they like girls who don't wear makeup really mean they like girls that look really hot without the help of makeup.

   If I had a year to live, I would spend it with my ex... because it would be the longest year of my life.

   Found out today you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house... just trying to help.

   There's two kind of people in this world: People that use "lol" or "haha"

   I like girls with curves, if I wanted to see bones, I would go to the damn museum.