Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Any good lawyers out there? I just found out that some broad named E.L. James is using me and my life as the inspiration for the main male character in some book she has out, without asking me for permission or giving me any of the proceeds. I'm outraged

   If you have lice, then you have a purpose

   Just when I think I can make ends meet, some jackass cuts the rope.

   You know how after you get off a boat, your body still feels like its on the boat for a while after? I'm like that with beds.

   Indians and their Discount. I asked Rajesh what time is it? He replied, " Its 3 O'clock my friend bt for you I will make it 2.30".

   Ladies, if you are ever caught screaming out the wrong name during sex, just tell him you were thinking of baby names in case you got pregnant with a baby boy.

   Hey, ladies, if you look like a snake swallowed a rib cage you're too skinny.

   FACT: For every Friend Request sent, $0.003 is added to Mark Zuckerberg's account.

   If Miami wins the series, do the Refs get a Ring too!!!

   You just don't just come into someones life, make them care and then just leave.

   Its a disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jeans fad.

   Anyone who thinks that women can't be funny has obviously never watched one try to parallel park.

   I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with a baseball bat.

   Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone. 

   The very first photo uploaded to Facebook was a cartoon cat. The second one was probably a duck-face girl.

   Just when you think your day can't get any worse, someone pokes you on Facebook

   When a woman cooks you dinner you're either going to get laid or poisoned.

   I wish farting was a form of expression.

   At home: I want to go out, I want friends. When I go out: I want to go home, I hate people.

   my new GF may be short but I'm nuts over her!