santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   i bought all my Grandma's friends at the nursing home Ouija boards for Christmas so we can keep in touch in the New Year.

   "Christmas" Trees $5.00 per ft...."Holiday" Trees $20 per ft......Merry Christmas!

   Man I was so upset at my parents when they told me that Santa wasn't real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove

   Unless your Christmas tree is electrocuting you, keep photos of that stupid sh*t to yourself.

   Happy Hoildays Schmolidays. Merry Christmas Schmistmas. I lean towards the Christmas greeting, but I gotta be honest with myself. I don't care. I'm mainly in it for the food.

   Amazon is now offering Special Christmas Drone Deliveries to Pakistan!

   What I am asking Santa for this year is his list of naughty women over 30. . .

   I wish I could slim down my waistline during the Holidays like my wife slims down my wallet.

   Dear Santa: This year I would like a "Bailout and a Bonus."..."Yes, I know I have been really bad, spent my money frivolously ,even did some illegal things and therefore I think I deserve it."----The Government

   Santa know's where all the bad girls live but only empties his sack once a year. WTF?

   Time to start saying "Happy Holidays" to people so that there is no shortage of things to complain about on Facebook. It is the season of giving, and I'm a giver.

   Tasers, but for people who listen to Christmas music in October. Or talk before noon.

   Well its December. Time to spend an hour putting up the Christmas tree and 16 hours fighting with the wife about it.

   My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.

   In the spirit of the season Miley Cyrus has announced her plans for a television special where she will twerk to all of Bing Crosby’s holiday classics. NOW it feels like Christmas!!!

   “Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, all over Mrs. Claus's face and hair..."

   It always warms my heart to see celebrities getting into the Christmas spirit, Paul Walker is currently decorating a tree.

   I was so angry at my parents when I found out Santa wasn't real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.

   Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I'm calling Santa!"

   I just hid my teenage son's Christmas gifts behind the vacuum, in the dishwasher and next to the trash can that needs to be taken out.....guaranteed he will never find them!