Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So Last night.. The pizza man left my house and asked me for a tip.. I told him "Don't Trust These Hoes"

   Shoutout to all the girls that can't update their status because they told some guy they tired...& going to bed.

   Bar Rules for MEN: No shirt, no service. Bar rules for WOMEN: No shirt, free drinks.

   I posted my suicide note on Facebook, it already has 124 likes...

   If I hear the song call me maybe one more time i'm gonna go freaking INSANE.

   Someone uploaded a picture of Hitler and said, "LIKE IF YOU WISH HE WAS DEAD!".. uhmm..dont really know what to think...??

   I ain't sayin my gf is a gold digger, but she has a helmet with a flashlight on it, and a pick axe..

   Not having tattoos is suddenly a great way to express your individuality.

   Help me find the exit! I'm trying to escape from reality!

   I always mean what I say. Sometimes, I didn't mean to say it out loud.

   It suddenly dawns on me, I'm gonna have to punch my way out of this nursing home.

   I raise the bar when it comes to lowering standards.

   Things Done today: ☑ Got groceries, ☑ Ate, ☑ Relaxed, ☑ [Censored].

   Nascar Update: Gordon Biffles Earnhart's Johnson

   Some Warning Labels are a little retarded, like on my Deodorant it says, "Avoid Contact with Eyes"....TOO LATE, I've already seen it!!!

   If a woman in a bikini is close by, a guy will make the simplest task look like a major construction project.

   A good man will send flowers to your office. The perfect man will come to your office, close the blinds and pluck your flower.

   A fun game to play is "hide-and-don't-answer-texts."

   Ive decided I'm going to be a better person starting now until the next time I check facebook.

   "Hey Let's agree to disagree, and then accomplish nothing as we focus on our reelections." -Congress