Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FYI - If any kids are interested in harassing me on a school bus, or anywhere else for that matter..... I am available. I could use a nice $500,000 long vacation. I'm just saying

   I will never let my life be defined by my reactions to what other people think, say or do. Greatness lies just past pettiness.

   It's so hot outside Mayor Bloomberg drove to New Jersey to get a Big Gulp!

   decided that for my next career, I'm gonna be a stripper for the blind

   My wife has just walked out the door with the kids for good because of my addiction to horse racing. In fact, I can see them now - they're all at the gate - and they're off!

   It's so Hot outside I heard that the Taco Bell Chihuahua just put in an a application for Dairy Queen!!!

   I bet Abraham Lincoln killing vampires isn't half the movie as my idea about Bill Clinton destroying beavers.

   *Breathing hard* Today, I finally ran for 1 mile without stopping. STUPID ice cream man just kept driving even though I waved my money in the air...

   Lebron's inner monologue when asked about cavaliers fans: "I want them to resize my ring so I can show it to them in my middle finger"

   Tonight's weather: TROPICAL DEPRESSION FROM MIAMI HEADING TO CLEVELAND....

   (rj) Condom packages should come with warning labels... "caution do not use with alcohol!! may cause feelings of disappointment and utter disgust the morning after"

   I guess I have to set my phone on OKC mode this weekend........No Rings!

   You ever typed slower than your mind thinks? Yeah that just happened to me...... It was funny in my head, but when I read it I was like...clearly to much beer!

   You're not the dumbest person I know but the potential is there.

   It's so hot in my house. I'm sweating like a cat in a Chinese restaurant.

   It's not the size of the ship nor the motion in the ocean...it's whether the Captain can stay in port long enough for all the passengers to get off..

   *Spoiler Alert* Batman dies of throat cancer on The Dark Knight Rises .

   How to freak someone out. 1. Find someone on Facebook with the same name as you. 2. Steal their profile picture. 3. Poke them.

   Some of life's best lessons are learned while watching your drunk friends.

   One time I smashed my face into the keyboard and accidentally wrote the 4th Twilight book.