Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The brochure for my new camera says that the shutter speed is so fast that you can photograph a hummingbirds wings in flight, or a woman with her mouth shut

   FACT: There is nothing that says “douchebag” better than a Facebook profile picture of your car.

   I come from a long line of people waiting to get in.

   There's a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the "close this ad" button.

   I do what I want, when I want, where I want! If my mum says it's ok.

   Never judge a man 'till you've driven a mile with his wife.

   If someome "rubs you the wrong way" its your fault for letting them rub you." And not telling them how to rub.

   my family deals with the heat like it does other family members; by resenting it until it goes away

   You know what's easier than applying sunscreen? Not going outside.

   As I've grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible! But pissing everyone off...that's a piece of cake!!!

   Here I am!.......Now what are your other two wishes?!!!

   Please be patient! Even a toilet can only handle one A$$hole at a time!!!

   As you Mature, you learn that you cannot make someone love you!.....All you can do is Stalk them and hope they panic and give in!!!

   I just love waking up in the middle of the night, to find I still have hours to sleep before I have to be at work!!!

   First, Love Yourself!..........Everyone Else, get in line!!!

   There is nothing better than putting on a warm pair of underwear fresh from the dryer! I even like to scan the laundramat to try and figure out who they belong to!!!

   My Wife tld me her fantasy would be to spend the night with George Clooney! Then she flipped out when I told her mine! Apparently, ''Melanie the lady with the nice body next door!'' wasn't a good answer!!!

   pride comes before it falls....

   While checking my balls in bed this morning I was disturbed by a lump. She woke up.

   ive started drinking raw milk.