Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For the record, nerd girls punch harder than nerd guys

   Someone wrote "retard" on my car window. Took me ages to lick it off

   My pool is safe for swimming again if you guys wanna come over. No way snakes can survive now with the amount of gasoline I dumped in it.

   The suggested friends list usually falls into 2 categories for me anymore. Either "Who the hell is that?" or "I should of done things to her mouth when I had the chance."

   LIKE if you hate hearing the sound of your recorded voice.

   Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: "skeletal remains," "dumpster," "almost beyond recognition," "dental records" and "shallow grave."

   THE BRAIN--->FORGETS WHAT I WANT TO REMEMBER AND REMEMBERS WHAT I WANT TO FORGET

   I once knew a group of friends, Ross, Joey, Chandler, Rachel, Monica and Phoebe but they're not there for me anymore.

   I'm not Crazy, I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a Lunatic!!!

   I don't understand how people get eaten by sharks.....how do you not hear the music?

   How is ''Doable'' anything but a compliment!!!

   You can only say WTF so many times in a day before you just start drinking!!!

   I'm not afraid to admit that I will put on on the first date ladies.

   If it looks like a B!tch, talks like a B!tch, and acts like a B!tch! Congratulations you met my EX!!!

   I am so bored. I just spent an hour staring at an ant, trying to locate its peehole so I can put a grain of salt in it. Do ants drink water? #scratching head# I figure if I make it drink water, it will have to pee sometime.

   I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs

   Never trust a woman that has friends.

   I had a girlfriend that said she was leaving me because I was so arrogant! I told her to close the door on her way back in!!!

   Some french fries are excellent, and other french fries are just an acceptable way to eat ketchup.

   Turns out Smart Cars also make great fridge magnets.