Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest pen$s she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"

   A Wife says to her Husband "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back". He says "what do you expect? Your in a wheelchair".

   I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 17 minutes.

   Married people are the best flirters.

   My Hair: "Life is so wild and free!" My Underarms: "Life is the pits." My Crotch: "Life stinks." My Ankles: "LIFE IS CRUSHING ME!"

   The best way to get a woman to argue with you is to say something

   I think marriages should be called "pre-divorces". Sounds classier.

   Let's pretend to be who we really are

   that Magic Mike movie makess me feel so hot! I want that!!

   The dentist said my gums were bad and it would cost $1000 to fix. I bought some big red and put that up there for 50 cents.

   Instead of telling people I dont care about things, I find its easier to get my point across if I just put my hands in the air and wave them

   Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means? Father: It means 'to be happy'. Son: Are you gay? Father: No, son. I have a wife.

   Well, the weekend certainly lived up to it's reputation.

   Really tired of resting the whole day.

   It's Sunday. If god is watching, the least you can do is be entertaining.

   it true that the secret fantasy of a frustrated Amish woman is two Mennonite?

   "I'm a virgin." B!tch please, the only thing on you that's virgin is your nose, and its safe to assume that's been fingered as well.

   It's been so hot my balls have stopped producing sperm to focus solely on making sweat.

   I'm great at pretending I'm not an a$$hole.

   Film it? Really? After we're done, I don't wanna watch it.. I wanna do it again.