Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you rearrange Twitter Drama, you get Am Retard Twit.

   Please don't ask me how many sinks I've pissed in." - me taking a polygraph test

   The political frustrations of this week remind me how happy I am to have allegiance to greater kingdom.

   I can thwart just about ANY knock knock joke by answering, "Just a minute!",,,,, or " Come in,, it's open! "

   Hey,,, guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes,,,,,, NOBODY likes you.

   So,,, The dog won our farting contest... I'm going to bed to think about what I could've done differently.

   Hey,,,I say stuff, you should say stuff with me,, and then we'll have fun... M-kay?

   Do you suffer from post-heartbreak drip? Itchy ennui? Restless desire? Empty dreams? If so, ask your doctor if Depression is right for you.

   Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" is a clever little b@stard.

   I dont see what's the big deal about Bath Salt Water... I tried it and nothing happened, but I gotta tell ya..... Everything sure looks like CHICKEN!!!

   Water follows the path of least resistance. So I guess when an Asian sweats it just looks like a waterfall

   What do I do when I see someone extremely gorgeous? I stare... I smile... And when I get tired I put the mirror down!

   Beepers and pay phones were so much easier.....

   I'm going to open a bar where ordering an "adios motherf#cker" triggers a trap door filled with alligators

   New condom slogan...."Wrap it in latex or give her your paychex."

   Adele is Pregnant... Those beautiful lyrics finally make sense. I just wanna know which lucky guy decided to go "Rolling in the deep" cos he's gonna "get it all" now... in Alimony!!!

   They say not to text and drive, but I still feel totally fine after two texts

   statistics show that everyone who's ever used a cell phone will die

   I'm afraid my pet's going to die soon - he's already 14,000,000 in rock-years

   Katie Holmes filed for divorce from Tom Cruise .... Was Rock Of Ages really that bad?