Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.

   Sometimes God doesn't giveyou what you think you want.Not because you don't deserve it, but because you deserve better.

   The Internet. All of the piracy, none of the scurvy.

   If I say, "yeah...totally" when you're telling a story, there's an 80% chance I stopped listening and just want it to end.

   Dear Crush, If your "shower brb" was intended to make me imagine you naked.. Mission accomplished!"

   Marriage is for men who miss staying with their parents.

   Just been on bigbustycoons.com What they do with those buses are amazing!!

   Extended forecast = AWESOME!!!

   I let the dog out. I do so about a dozen times a day. I see no need for a three and a half minute song about it.

   I acknowledge most people by completely ignoring them.

   It's so hot outside! I'm sweating like Jessica Simpson in a spelling bee!

   It's so hot outside! I've been out here 10 minutes and I'm already wetter then Kim Kardashian at the BET Awards.

   It's so hot outside. I'm sweating like Rick Ross and two big girls riding around in a Prius with no AC

   It's so hot outside! I'm sweating like Obama trying to find his birth certificate!

   Remember... Sometimes you have to sacrifice the fat kid to save yourselves.

   Wettest June in ages, guess its because of 50 Shades of Grey

   I hope Jessica Biel names her first kid Batmo.

   POUR SOME HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP ON ME!!!!

   If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there'd be no problems.

   Got my passport application forms back today..... Apparently in the Place of Birth section:"between my mother's legs" isn't an acceptable answer.