Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The dentist said my gums were bad and it would cost $1000 to fix. I bought some big red and put that up there for 50 cents.

   Instead of telling people I dont care about things, I find its easier to get my point across if I just put my hands in the air and wave them

   Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means? Father: It means 'to be happy'. Son: Are you gay? Father: No, son. I have a wife.

   Well, the weekend certainly lived up to it's reputation.

   Really tired of resting the whole day.

   It's Sunday. If god is watching, the least you can do is be entertaining.

   it true that the secret fantasy of a frustrated Amish woman is two Mennonite?

   "I'm a virgin." B!tch please, the only thing on you that's virgin is your nose, and its safe to assume that's been fingered as well.

   It's been so hot my balls have stopped producing sperm to focus solely on making sweat.

   I'm great at pretending I'm not an a$$hole.

   Film it? Really? After we're done, I don't wanna watch it.. I wanna do it again.

   I'd like to punch you in the unibrow but I am gay, so I will just wax that for you.

   I forgot to post a picture of my lunch. So it never happened...

   Are you sure we haven't met before? Because I feel like I hate you from somewhere.

   My GPS sighs and rolls its eyes every time it says "Recalculating".

   Are there any other animals besides humans who communicate unnecessarily?

   I stopped going to church when they said I had to attend the whole thing, not just the wine tasting.

   Sometimes I just feel like stopping, collaborating, and listening.

   I'm so old that I remember when # was called a number sign.

   It's crazy how crazy religions think the other crazy religions are crazy and that their crazy is the right crazy. It's crazy.