Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Only God can judge me, and my neighbors. And my friends. And Family. And random drivers while I lip sync "Call me Maybe" while on the Interstate.

   R.I.P. Andy Griffith..........There's a new sheriff in town!

   Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it's only Tuesday.

   Remember - its not how you pick the boogers, its where you put them that matters.

   Got asked by this girl today if I wanted to make a sex tape with her. I told her yeah but we'd have to do it in infrared since nightvision was taken. I'll be in Hollywood in no time!

   FYI : The "Supreme Court" is just the "regular court",, served with sour cream and tomatoes

   never on schedule, but always on time. Ah the old days.

   "I know,, Let's tape a spider to a lobster and scare the crap out of everyone." -- God, when He made scorpions

   The people who need firecracker safety tips aren't the people who read firecracker safety tips.

   Well guess its time to do the dishes....... The kids are drinking their milk from shotglasses.

   Found the pot at the end of the rainbow and I smoked it........

   She was my world, until I found another planet.

   Now that the Euro2012 football has finished , I wonder how many husbands will go back to their wives only to find that they have been replaced by `Mr Christian Grey` and something that requires batteries ?!!!

   I'm not trying to sound racist, but all fireworks look alike.

   You have the Man Pit and the Man Cave, yup going to have the female version and call it the Maxie Pad

   I'm hot - Ah! - I'm hot - Ah! - I'm hot - Ah! -- Me, in front of my oscillating fan.

   the song "100 bottles of beer on the wall"...most not be much alcohol in them if you can keep track of 100 beers you've drank

   Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible

   That gangsta feeling when you rap your favorite song without messing up.

   Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.