Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My D + Your V = Good Times

   My house is so messy, I swear when I walk through the front door I hear the "Sandford and Son" theme song playing.

   Girlfriend wanted to go skinny dipping. I said your not skinny enough to be dipping. And that's how the fight started.

   The next person who says its not the heat, it's the humidity will learn its not my fist, it's the impact.

   I'm available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.

   Sometimes God doesn't giveyou what you think you want.Not because you don't deserve it, but because you deserve better.

   The Internet. All of the piracy, none of the scurvy.

   If I say, "yeah...totally" when you're telling a story, there's an 80% chance I stopped listening and just want it to end.

   Dear Crush, If your "shower brb" was intended to make me imagine you naked.. Mission accomplished!"

   Marriage is for men who miss staying with their parents.

   Just been on bigbustycoons.com What they do with those buses are amazing!!

   Extended forecast = AWESOME!!!

   I let the dog out. I do so about a dozen times a day. I see no need for a three and a half minute song about it.

   I acknowledge most people by completely ignoring them.

   It's so hot outside! I'm sweating like Jessica Simpson in a spelling bee!

   It's so hot outside! I've been out here 10 minutes and I'm already wetter then Kim Kardashian at the BET Awards.

   It's so hot outside. I'm sweating like Rick Ross and two big girls riding around in a Prius with no AC

   It's so hot outside! I'm sweating like Obama trying to find his birth certificate!

   Remember... Sometimes you have to sacrifice the fat kid to save yourselves.

   Wettest June in ages, guess its because of 50 Shades of Grey