Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook, where people can pretend to be everything they really aren't to the friends they really don't have.

   Water is the most important compound on Earth, because without water we couldn't make coffee or booze.

   Must have caught the 'Bieber fever'; Every time I hear about this pr!ck, I feel like puking.

   When you're in public and your nuts itch!!

   yesterday the ladies celebrated "National No Bra Day." Today the men celebrate "Back To Eye Contact Day" (worst holiday of the year).

   I rang Babestation the other night and the woman said "Hi sexy, what can I do for you? I said "Fu*king hide, my wife's coming and ive lost the remote!

   Bacon: The Duct Tape of the kitchen... it fixes EVERYTHING!

   Took a career aptitude test. My results: sports team mascot, bridge troll, sign twirler, petting zoo poop scooper..

   Just got my dream Job starts next Monday .. Window cleaner in Amsterdam.,

   I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.

   They say Time is the best healer- That's why they make you sit and wait for so long in a doctor's office !

   You know it's hot when you open your deoderant and it's sweating.

   they say there is no I in TEAM but there is ME!

   Tired? Cranky ? Feeling like crap .....There's a nap for that .

   I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.

   Has anyone else noticed the plots of "Finding Nemo" and "Taken" are virtually identical?

   I've spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn't rhyme with good.

   I just killed my alarm clock. ~ it was about time

   As an unemotional person, I never thought pieces of papers would make me cry until I started to pay my bills

   Some dude just yelled at me for texting and driving...I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.