Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need to go to Walmart but I can't find my pajamas.

   I've never actually seen two women "scissoring" but I'd bet you a million dollars that it sounds like an armpit farting contest. :(

   pretty excited about the recent discovery of the Higgs Boston or God particle... I could be wrong, but if my calculations are correct, this means 'Mass Effect' IRL!!!?

   Happy birthday America, you lovable old geezer!

   Confession: After midnight, I only let SOME of it hang out.

   The most disappointing conclusion you'll ever come to is finding out who you really are.

   ...Snakes & sparklers are the only ones I really like anyways....

   When your ex says, "You'll never find anyone like me!", you're supposed to reply, "I sure as hell hope not.. isn't that the whole point?"

   There has to come a point in my life where I'm standing on a hillside, watching a village I ravaged burn to the ground, laughing maniacally.

   Rule #24: If you lie, don't get mad when you are called a liar!

   On our Birthday! America as a Nation needs desperately to realize that if we do not again regain the lead in Technology and Education, we will continue to bury our heads in the sands of Afghanistan, Iraq, and Pakistan!!!

   “I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but… it is 4th of July and I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want.

   At a vegan 4th of July barbecue. These sadness burgers are delicious.

   I only get disappointed by people when I have high expectations, or low expectations, or just expectations.

   I would like to congratulate myself on placing 18,476th in the "Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest!" ツ

   Monica Lewinsky turns 39!! They grow up so fast...seems like yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees puting everything in her mouth!!!

   In New York you can't drink more than a 16 oz. soda, but it is okay to stuff yourself with 68 hotdogs and buns in 10 minuts.

   Maybe it's just me, but I don't mind when a woman gives me the silent treatment...I can finally hear the t.v. then!

   In Sweden, the word for marriage and the word for poison is the same, and its spelled "gift".

   Out of all the gruesome noises coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most troubling.