Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is no ‘meant to be.' There is only ‘make it be.'

   If you have an extraordinary sense of humour and you are able to make sense and relate to my jokes without blushing, puking or being offended, then you are my kind of peoplez and maybe we should hangout sometime.

   Hey, DirecTV? Ummm...now that Viacom is being asses, can we have G4 back? Sincerely, 90% of your customers who DON'T care about the so called MTV showing 16 & Pregnant

   My girlfriend told me that I'm starting to annoy her because I relate EVERYTHING to batman.....What a Joker....

   The only good thing about Directv vs Viacom is the fact MTV is off the air! The IQs of the majority just single-handedly went up ONE point.

   Just when I'm about to bang the girl of my dreams....I wake up.......everytime

   Tomorrow is National No Panties Day and Mandatory Skirt Day also !

   Nice..renewing your vows.......What the hell did you do with the previous ones? Broke and bent each one of them?

   I am not into running, but if they ever hold a 50 foot run where they serve beer at the end, I am in.

   Sometimes, when I'm confused, scared and lonely in the hood, I ask myself what would Jay Z do…

   Why isn't “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?

   The 3 scariest words your girlfriend can ever say to you... "notice anything different?"

   McDonald's should have an express drive thru lane just for people who need french fries.

   Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me.

   Renewing your wedding vows is like agreeing on a double life sentence to prison.

   Their is nothing worse that realizing the vacation you planned is going to be the same week as her period.

   It's 2012 and bread still has a crust. Flying cars my ass.

   Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them because I know how hard life is for the visually impaired.

   You would have no idea that I have a College Degree based on how many times I push when it says “pull”.

   Sometimes I Blue-Ball myself to start my day. That way I'll be just as angry as the rest of humanity and fit right in.