Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She said she wanted to get a facial, but then she got mad when I came on her face!

   My life: Wake up, mess sh*t up, have fun, sleep, repeat.

   I could love anyone provided you're not a jerk, have decent teeth, and a good credit score.

   Ever just read somebody's post and think.... what th H is this person talking about? they never seem to make any sense.

   This is a very important announcement: On July 18th, 2012 at approximately 12 noon, Facebook will observe an hour of silence in recognition of my AWESOMENESS!

   Gossip is usually planted with the hopes that it will spread.

   Sarcasm : Because beating the s$it out of people is illegal.

   Hollister should offer complimentary gas masks and ear plugs when you walk in the store.

   Mondays are Sunday's poop.

   The 3 worst words to hear right now..."Tomorrow is Monday"

   Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.

   Dont lose the girl of your life, for the hoe of the night.

   If the catholic church looks down on sex before marriage does that mean all of those priests committed two sins?

   Drank two pitchers of mojitos and didn't post a photo of it... Yes,,, it IS actually possible do that.

   My boss writes ' for weiner touching' in the memo line on ALL my pay checks.... And YES,,, the bank tellers look at each other then smile at me

   Well,,, I'm off to leave single shoes on the side of the highway for my annual summer road trip.. Yeah, that's me,,,,, I've been doing that.

   Ummm,,,,, Sorry about "car chases",,,,,,, ALL you European outdoor fruit markets,, And cart-vendors

   I'm going to start doing things WITH further ado......... Take that, ado haters.

   If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, I would choose alive,,, because eating with dead people is just creepy.

   You know you have a problem when every letter you type in the address bar will bring up a porn site ..