Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I've ever been asked.

   Some days I'm in control... and some days I'm allllll back of the bus 'n sh*t.

   Halloween = Candy, Thanksgiving = Food, Christmas = Gifts, New Years = Drinks, Valentines = Sex, Birthdays = ALL OF THE ABOVE

   Ugh, I accidentally spoiled the new Spider-Man movie for myself by seeing "Spider-Man" 10 years ago.

   I don't care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!

   If a midget smokes weed, does he get medium?

   Sometimes I feel like I'm a Fruit Loop in a bowl full of Cheerios.

   To win without risk is to triumph without glory.

   It's National No Bra Day! Except for you fat lady!

   IF all women are crazy… Then… You might as well pick a pretty one.

   Hey get the joke right, it should be: The Dali lama walks into a pizza joint the cashier says can I help you and the Dali says make me one with everything,

   If you hear a loud scream followed by crying, don't worry about it...That was just me at the gas pump filling up my car.

   Took a career aptitude test. My results: sports team mascot, bridge troll, sign twirler, petting zoo sh!t shoveler.

   " well The ghost writer of ghost rider is the ghost rider from ghost rider is the ghost writer from ghost rider."-nicholas cage when asked who writes his movies

   If you're not going to stick to the time you gave me, don't give me a time at all..

   My ball sagometer is at 6” today…

   You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!

   Couldn't it have been a little cooler for National No Bra Day??

   A beautiful woman in the cafeteria just gagged while eating her banana... She's now dead to me.

   A man in a standoff with police demanded to marry Paris Hilton. Now he is undergoing psychological tests. Are these tests REALLY necessary?