Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   High-definition ruined porn for me. I like my p0rn blurry so I can't see butt acne and herp scars.

   We live in a world where we have to hide to make love, while violence is practiced in broad daylight.

   Show me on this voodoo doll where it would hurt you the most.

   Someone once ask me how I hold my head up so high after all I've been through. I said, as long as I come out of it alive, it makes me a survivor, not a victim.

   Fat, single and ready for a pringle!!!

   Kill your haters with kindness. Gift wrap the explosives

   I'm drinking coffee because people think you've got a problem if you drink vodka in the morning!

   Welcome to England - where the Sun is just a Newspaper...enjoy!!!

   Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.

   If your neighbors seem like the "nicest, quietest, friendliest" people, they probably have kidnapped humans in their basement zoo.

   My uncle came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay. He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car.

   when I was driving today I turned the rear view mirror towards my face so I could view awesome along the whole drive

   I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.

   I'm the easiest person in the world to get alone with.

   women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.

   my dog's least favorite NBA team is the Thunder.

   my dog's favorite food is a peanut butter popsicle!

   I've never bei have never been interrogated, but I have ordered a sandwich at subway, so I think I'm ready

   You are 15 years old you should feel butterflies in your stomach not a baby kicking

   Ladies, do you know why God gives you yeast infections?? So you know what it feels like to live with an irritating c@nt also!