Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having kids is a lot like living in a frat house. Everythings sticky and your not quite sure why...

   ...the brain brings up the most beautiful thoughts while trying to sleep..."hey...when was the last time we discussed ghosts , haunted mansions and serial killers in hockey masks.."...Happy Friday 13th...

   If you are living your life without giving a 'F', you are only living a LI[ ]E.

   Mic Jagger'snew book says he slept with 4,000 women!..........Well 3,999 if you subtract David Bowie!!!

   ☑Hockey mask ☑Machete ☑Sexually-irresponsible campers Let's roll...

   Why do you date girls that look like men? Why not just date a man?

   Restaurant hosts: Stop asking, we all want a booth.

   Got a headache from looking at all the options of headache relief.

   I would pay good money for a painting of Snoop Dogg and Dog the Bounty Hunter playing poker.

   Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? IDK, I have Direct TV!

   Shout out to whoever got these gas prices down in July. now lets hit da two dollar mark.

   My sons argue n fight all day n never share. Y'all shared a womb and before that a sack now you can't share a friggin bag of chips ugggghh

   Steven Tyler is quitting American Idol after two seasons! I sure am going to miss that old lady!!!

   Don't even TRY a home invasion at my house,,, I've got legions of Lego people ready to launch a campaign of foot pain terrorism at my command...

   I have NO idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.

   When my girlfriend is angry, I go to Facebook and constantly refresh my relationship status to see if I'm single again.

   It really sucks seeing a profile pic of two girls and the hot one is always someone else.

   That dolphin tattoo on your ass was SO hot when you were 18, Now it looks like a used condom!

   Got bit by a spider.......Now I got to go find a skyscraper to climb.

   so....I often joke that my wife is too fat for sex....I call her 'Missionary Impossible'....