Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I could probably kill this woman, serve my prison sentence, come back here and buy my diet coke before she finishes writing her check.

   Nothing says disappointment like when the black family loses on family feud .....

   I ignored your Facebook Friend Request only because there isn't a ''Oh Hell No!'' Button!!!

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day! Teach a man to fish and he will go out and purchase expensive fishing gear, stupid looking clothes,a sports utility vehicle,travel 1000 miles to a lake,to stand waist high to catch 2 fish!

   I'm old school when it comes to video games and by that I mean I turn into a senior citizen who yells "which one am I?" every 30 seconds.

   I'll et the same underage 14yr old Chinese worker who made the United States Olympic uniforms is the same 14yr old that beats us to win the Gold Medal in Gymnastics!!!

   Just got caught stealing a book, I explained that I'm dyslexic & thought it was the 'help self' section.

   My bank card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.

   No officer, I didn't see you in my rear view; my eyes haven't left my phone for at least the past 5 miles.

   I've found that the things I'm most interested in aren't really in my best interest.

   Okay honey, here is the deal. You show me the pics and I will help you identify the best ones to post on your FB. I have beauty pageant and wet t-shirt judging credentials and experience. So you in good hands.

   I was sat on the side of the bed last night pulling off my boxers... When the wife said to me, "Please don't do that to the dogs!"

   The clearer your conscience, the more likely you are to answer a call from an unknown number.

   Sorry, I brought neither the noise or the funk today.

   Hey, Journey? Quick question: What if I never even started believin'?

   I just held the door open for a Japanese guy and he said, "Sank you" So I punched him in the face. I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor just like that.

   For all that don't know yet " Batman DIES in the New Movie " your welcome.

   ...in my opinion...the guy who revolutionised modern direction systems using time as a code deserves Noble prize for awesomeness....otherwise how would we be able to say..."WOAh MAN...HOT CHICK...3'oclock.!! "

   I dont know if money is the root of all evil, but its certainly the fertilizer...

   LMS if you remember walking into a restaurant and being asked smoking or non-smoking?