Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kris Humphries of the Nets signed a 2yr $24 Million Dollar contract! Not bad considering the Nets are owned by Jay-Z, who's bestfriend is Kanye West, who is banging Humphries ex-wife!!!

   Try this: Tell your children over dinner, ''Due to the Economy,We are going to have to let one of you go!!!

   Sometimes I'll play air bass instead of air guitar just to mess with people.

   I wouldn't be much of a trophy husband. I'd be more of a thanks-for-participating-ribbon husband.

   The NewYork Knicks announced they are going to cut off Beer sales after the 3rd Quarter of games starting next season! Not to worry though, that's just for point guard Jason Kidd!!!

   It's embarrassing when I get caught dressing one of you with my eyes.

   Been looking on Craigslist all day for a pirate ship

   Vacation's over. Downside? Fewer status messages for you. Upside? Less me.

   My kids don't like when I drink, but if it wasn't for alcohol, they wouldn't even be here.

   on a ship of fools in a sea of diarrhea looking for that Island of reality

   The one thing I can guarantee after we have sex is I'm always satisfied.

   if you're not a bowl, joint, blunt, bong or nipple, I have no idea how to suck you.

   Writing a poem for my ex. What rhymes with 'I think I got herpes from your sister'?

   You're dead until you prove otherwise.

   You guys haven't lived until your forced against your own will through a v@gina head first completely naked while your dad cuts your cord.

   Love is: doing it in random spots all over the house so no one has to sleep in the wet spot.

   She said there was no spark between us, so I tazed her. I'll ask again when she wakes up.

   I would rather smack a piñata filled with diarrhea than go down on a Kardashian.

   If you were a real man your girl wouldn't be running to the store for batteries at midnight.

   Why do women get so annoyed when you ask them about their periods? If I was bleeding out of my d!ck, I'd totally want to talk about it.