Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Lazy rule. As soon as I get under the blanket covers, all of today's responsibilities, become tomorrow's problem.
←Rate | 07-20-2012 18:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Silly phone, that wasn't a missed call. That was a “I looked and saw who it was and pressed ignore” call.
←Rate | 07-20-2012 18:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My mother always told me if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all... And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.
←Rate | 07-20-2012 18:02 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Being alive is the special occasion.
←Rate | 07-20-2012 17:35 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Flirting is dangerous business. One wrong move and you're committed.
←Rate | 07-20-2012 17:23 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon A few years ago while I was on vacation, on stage at the strip club was the ugliest dancer I've ever seen. She danced up to me and said "Hey Handsome, what would you like me to take off first?" I said "My glasses."
←Rate | 07-20-2012 17:19 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I haven't insulted you, pissed you off, or raised feelings of irritation yet... just give me a bit more time.
←Rate | 07-20-2012 17:16 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon My blonde girlfriend has such a useless sense of direction, I'm amazed she made it out of the birth canal.
←Rate | 07-20-2012 17:15 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you don't have a job you can be homeless but if you do have a job you will be home less. Society, you just can't win.
←Rate | 07-20-2012 17:14 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate how my child always moan about how much I drink. I'm tired of having to remind him that if it weren't for the alcohol, he wouldn't even exist.
←Rate | 07-20-2012 17:13 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon My girlfriend accused me of faking it in bed last night, and she was right. I wasn't asleep at all.
←Rate | 07-20-2012 17:12 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was ready to "chow down" at Burger King tonight until I heard their derelict employees have been using the lettuce for a foot bath. :/
←Rate | 07-20-2012 16:07 by totalpackage Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
←Rate | 07-20-2012 14:58 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called "Societal Obligation."
←Rate | 07-20-2012 14:57 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just found my birth certificate. Ugh, it's official: I've gained weight.
←Rate | 07-20-2012 14:51 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon My closet should be on Hoarders. Fell in looking for second shoe. 45 minutes later I had to cut my left arm off with a plastic hanger.
←Rate | 07-20-2012 14:48 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Fred Willard got arrested for jerking off in a porn theater. Well, at least he can honestly say his newest release is in theaters now!
←Rate | 07-20-2012 13:18 by JustCuz Comments (0)  


   messageicon Life is like an ice-cream - enjoy it before it melts.
←Rate | 07-20-2012 11:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 3rd migraine now in a week. I'm starting to think one of you has a voodoo doll of me somewhere.
←Rate | 07-20-2012 10:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon We should all probably give Kim Kardashian a break. She's doing the best she can, breathing on her own and stuff.
←Rate | 07-20-2012 10:19 Comments (0)  




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