Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Men, Life without Women, would literally be a pain in the as*.

   Just got a tattoo of my wife so when she pisses me off I can stab myself in the arm and watch that b%tch bleed.

   Grammer: The difference between knowing your sh*t and Knowing You're sh*t.

   B*tch please, I can remove 99% of your so called "Beauty" with a kleenex.

   A Blonde was asked what her password was and she said ''MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento''....When asked why such a long password she replied ''Well Hello! It has 8 characters and at least one Capital!!''

   What's the difference between a joke and three c**ks? The girl we met last night couldn't take a joke.

   Mitt Romney's cat walked into a bar. Well, no it didn't. Yes it did. No it didn't. Yes it did.

   My c**k was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once. But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out.

   Some people's idea of living dangerously is watching p0rn with the volume on.

   Girls that call guys "dude" are usually lesbians.

   Felt I was deralict in my fatherly dutties...so I taught James the 'milk milk lemonadej childhood diddy....which he LOVED I might add.....

   I'm so lazy, if autocorrect doesn't know the word after 3 letters I put my phone down.

   Yo bro, I wasn't sold on you being a cool dude, but that tint job on your Neon really speaks to me.

   Everything I know about the metric system, I learned from watching Farva on "Super Troopers".

   The saddest part of Harrison Ford turning 70 is how easily he could still kick my butt.

   Dear Amy Winehouse, I would like to take this moment to congratulate you on a full 12 months of being sober, keep up the great work.

   It's all fun and games til you lose your wifi..........ok, wife!

   Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!......It'll take them an hour to pass the salt!!!

   Scientific Fact: The gravitational pull of cleavage on men's eyes is incredibly strong and cannot be fought.

   Scientist believe that coworkers are the main reason why humans developed middle fingers.