Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Studies show that your chances of getting murdered drop down significantly when you STFU and mind your own business.
←Rate | 07-25-2012 15:14 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can make a better duckface with my a$$hole.
←Rate | 07-25-2012 15:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Big ass sunglasses do a pretty good job of hiding the ugly.
←Rate | 07-25-2012 15:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It can get pretty exhausting hating as many people as I do in a day.
←Rate | 07-25-2012 15:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hope they have enough wall plugs in hell.
←Rate | 07-25-2012 14:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Listen to the sound of my voice...you're getting very sleepy...the economy is great...I alone fixed it...you will vote for me...on the count of 3 wake up" - Obama
←Rate | 07-25-2012 14:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I really hope somewhere there's a dentist whose slogan is "We'll fill your cavities. And maybe later we'll even work on your teeth!"
←Rate | 07-25-2012 14:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I went door-to-door today telling my neighbors I'm a registered sex offender so they'll keep their damn kids out of my yard.
←Rate | 07-25-2012 14:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Freckles are marks for every time you disappoint Jesus
←Rate | 07-25-2012 14:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear God, when I said six figure salary, I didn't mean only zeros.
←Rate | 07-25-2012 14:46 by Czovczov Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some people are only alive in this world because I really don't want to be someone's b!tch in prison
←Rate | 07-25-2012 14:12 by Jackoo Comments (0)  


   messageicon One Day I hope I can afford an iphone like that girl in line infront of me with the food stamps!!!
←Rate | 07-25-2012 13:49 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bad Gun! Bad Gun!....Shame on you for making criminals do those bad things!.......And then those Forks that are making me Fat!!!
←Rate | 07-25-2012 13:31 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (1)  


   messageicon There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
←Rate | 07-25-2012 13:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder if a Jedi can do a Jedi mind trick on himself to over-come a phobia.
←Rate | 07-25-2012 13:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Oh I'm sorry, I forgot I only exist when you need something!
←Rate | 07-25-2012 13:06 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  


   messageicon it poontang or punetang? Need to know fast, I'm writing a sympathy card.
←Rate | 07-25-2012 12:56 by Reznor Comments (0)  


   messageicon If it wasn't for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
←Rate | 07-25-2012 12:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My girlfriend spends every night in town, going into bar to bar. And she always f*cking finds me.
←Rate | 07-25-2012 12:03 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I never knew that Abraham Lincoln was such a badass, killing vampires and freeing slaves, I think he is my new favorite president, step aside Grover Cleveland.
←Rate | 07-25-2012 11:59 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  




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