Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 3377 of 6446

Studies show that your chances of getting murdered drop down significantly when you STFU and mind your own business.

I can make a better duckface with my a$$hole.
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07-25-2012 15:08
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Big ass sunglasses do a pretty good job of hiding the ugly.
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07-25-2012 15:06
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It can get pretty exhausting hating as many people as I do in a day.
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07-25-2012 15:02
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I hope they have enough wall plugs in hell.
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07-25-2012 14:55
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"Listen to the sound of my voice...you're getting very sleepy...the economy is great...I alone fixed it...you will vote for me...on the count of 3 wake up" - Obama
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07-25-2012 14:50
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I really hope somewhere there's a dentist whose slogan is "We'll fill your cavities. And maybe later we'll even work on your teeth!"
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07-25-2012 14:49
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I went door-to-door today telling my neighbors I'm a registered sex offender so they'll keep their damn kids out of my yard.
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07-25-2012 14:48
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Freckles are marks for every time you disappoint Jesus
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07-25-2012 14:48
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Dear God, when I said six figure salary, I didn't mean only zeros.
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07-25-2012 14:46 by Czovczov
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Some people are only alive in this world because I really don't want to be someone's b!tch in prison
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07-25-2012 14:12 by Jackoo
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One Day I hope I can afford an iphone like that girl in line infront of me with the food stamps!!!

Bad Gun! Bad Gun!....Shame on you for making criminals do those bad things!.......And then those Forks that are making me Fat!!!

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
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07-25-2012 13:24
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I wonder if a Jedi can do a Jedi mind trick on himself to over-come a phobia.
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07-25-2012 13:22
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Oh I'm sorry, I forgot I only exist when you need something!

it poontang or punetang? Need to know fast, I'm writing a sympathy card.
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07-25-2012 12:56 by Reznor
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If it wasn't for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
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07-25-2012 12:20
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My girlfriend spends every night in town, going into bar to bar. And she always f*cking finds me.

I never knew that Abraham Lincoln was such a badass, killing vampires and freeing slaves, I think he is my new favorite president, step aside Grover Cleveland.