Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ''What doesn't kill you makes you smaller!'' -ask Super Mario

   Serious fight has started in Olympics .... as a brazilian girl found her missing hair on a Nigerian Lady

   In sta gram was much more exciting when I thought it was a fast c0caine service.

   A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: 'All we did was correct his eyesight'

   We are all turds in the punch bowl of life.

   Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?" Granny replies, "Bugger the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

   China is now entering sperm as contestants in olympic swimming events, claiming they are of age.

   What do you call a white guy who parties too much? A club cracker.

   I can see smoke on the horizon. God I hope it's rest of Monday burning to the ground

   You think you're pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower

   coyote ugly does not begin to describe what happened to me last night. The people I do for a Klondike Bar

   Major blackout in India....looks like everybody who needs tech support is screwed.

   You call it Russian Roulette, I call it waking up on Monday.

   it so wrong to bang on your neighbour's door at 2am and ask them to reset their modem?

   I'm kinda tired of you but in a possessive way.

   Why the hell would you hire me at this waxing salon if I can't dress up as Zorro and shape a "Z" into everyone's pubes?

   i dont give hand jobs because I have a v@gina.

   I am a dandy in the ghetto with a snow white smile

   Just listened to Call Me Maybe for the first and last time.

   we need to get swag on mythbusters to see if it will pay the bills