Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the economy is bad biscuit companies don't complain, they just remove one piece

   If the vaccine contains a chip, I hope it’s salt and vinegar.

   The only Marx I want to hear about is Groucho

   It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

   Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

   Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

   I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

   Welcome to your 40’s: everyone is twelve now.

   Just read that michelangelo painted the sistine chapel on his back. Must’ve been really difficult reaching that bit between his shoulders.

   Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day. Wife: IT’S 8 AM

   it wrong to write, "He owed me $50" in the funeral guest book?

   My therapist told me I need to take the time to find myself. Took me all of 5 minutes. There was a mirror in the bathroom. Who's the smart one now Doc?

   I am "I remember when Saturday Night Live Was Funny" years old.

   The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week

   You used to be able to somewhat cross the line. Nowadays, you can't come anywhere near the line. You used to be able to somewhat push the envelope. Nowadays you'd better pull back the envelope.

   Procrastinate now-don't put it off.

   If you're feeling down becausecoffee your dating life, just remember, Matt Gaetz didn't have a high-school date until he was 38-years old.

   I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

   Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

   Me: (Sneezes) Microchip in my left arm: Bless you