Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What the hell is up with "Fun sized" candy? There is nothing fun about less candy.

   Some of these jokes are so old Jerry Sandusky wouldnt even touch em

   True irony: Getting a girl pregnant on a pull out couch.

   Weed is Illegal” “Yeah, so is the music in your iPod.

   Before we had Facebook, we had actual friends.

   Official sponsor and supplier for the London 2012 Olympic Games. ..RAIN !

   Nice guys finish last because they make sure their woman cums first. ; )

   Hey, I just met you and girl you look crazy. What brands your make up, Crayola maybe?

   See a bug outside: Hi Mr Bug! See a bug inside: Die b!tch! Die!

   ah Summer. That time of year when you want sexy women to post bikini pics but only the fatties do.

   I hate a liar more than a thief. A thiefs only after my salary. A liars after my reality.

   its no longer the little birdy that told you something. now days its "i seen it on facebook."

   Just remember foks, when ya ask to borrow someone's phone....nobody takes the newspaper into the bathroom anymore!!

   World population:7,018,521,683....just incase some1 starts feeling too important

   I am only writing this so people wont think I'm loney while sitting at the bar by myseld....

   Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.

   They need to put more spider poison in these air freshners .

   If Costco doesn't start serving beer samples using a topless server, I'm seriously considering taking my business to Hooters!

   Whatever you do, please don't take off your...AHHHH!!! I asked you to not take off your makeup!

   OK..... Not making an Olympic Soccer joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals