Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I wanna know is how the hell do you bring the lactose intolerant boys to the yard!?!?

   I always wanna take the waitress home with me and give her a tip there.

   Screw YOLO! Give me a ROLO!!!

   I'm such a maverick. I refuse to make Sun tea. I'm making Moon tea, and let me tell you...that $hit's been on the back porch for 8 years and it STILL ain't done.

   My Level Of Maturity Changes Depending On Who I'm With

   Scientists finally discovered how an elephant trumpets. Maybe now they can get back to curing cancer…

   they say dogs and owners look alike.. is that why Obamas dog is sportin a fro and is black an white?

   I bet women's trust issues with men started with a weatherman.

   When I set the bar too high, I just go under it.

   If I had a hammer, I'd most likely b!tch about my lack of nails.

   Don't stare at me during sex! I don't know you!

   I like you so let's get this nightmare they call a relationship started.

   How does a person from New Zealand find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying.

   Most folks don't know this, but you can quietly be Heterosexual, H0m0sexual or Metrosexual.

   BOSS: Do you understand? ME: Yeah... BOSS: *Walks away* ME: What did she just say?

   Many people don't know this, but you can quietly be a Christian, Muslim or Athiest.

   I spend 87% of my energy to appear normal.

   Don't let this smile fool you. I'll put it in your ass without asking.

   Rick Ross made a song call "Hold Me Back"....He dont seem to realize how many people that would take

   I'd prefer it if you broke my heart with rough sex.