Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's a special place in hell for autocorrect

   I hate people who kiss the boss's ass right after I compliment his new haircut.

   My neighbor is very weird. Every time I have a party, he invites himself to my house, goes to the fridge and takes back all the beers I stole from him.

   Ladies, if you want something fixed around the house, don't offer your man sex. Just start fixing it yourself. Your welcome.

   A walk of shame is always sad. Don't make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

   I'm hiding all my porn on VHS. Even if my kids find it, they won't know what to do with it.

   I love morning sex....... Ok I love it anytime.

   I love it when you push my buttons, baby. But touch my car radio presets and I'll have to push you into oncoming traffic.

   NASA didn't make that happen, someone else did!

   Mars rover "Curiousity" has landed and less an hour later, something has stole 2 rims off of it...

   I am underwhelmed by the Mars rover landing pictures. You would think at this year 2012 we could get some colored pictures and video.

   You'd think at some point, one of Antonio Banderas's friends would have bought him a hair dryer as a gift. I mean, they're only like $25.

   Millions of Martian cats are fleeing in terror, at this moment

   strange, I dont remember eating dental floss

   Sitting on the toilet this morning, I was reminded of my first divorce. At first I thought it had been a clean break, but then it got messy and there was lots of paperwork.

   going to watch the Mars Rover landing tonigt just to find out if chicks really have 3 boobs there.

   I'm terrible with women. Even my sex doll only wants to be friends.

   I think the Krispy Kreme fresh donut light is my Bat-Signal

   Bowling is my favorite sport because you don't have to run and there's beer five feet away.

   The way my luck is going I wouldn't get laid in a womens prison with a carton of Malboros under my arm