Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're getting old when you can't take a shower without peeing. Twice...

   Remember when you were younger that old guy at the pool that swam laps and yelled at all the kids to get off the ropes!!!

   I just read that Stevie Wonder is filing for divorce. Talk about getting blindsided!

   I went to Cost Cutters to get my sideburns trimmed today. The Hairstylist got all mad and kicked me out when I dropped me pants

   I just read that Stevie Wonder is filing for divorce. I guess in the end, they just didnt share the same views!

   Okay, no wait, here it is, wait... I can't even type this one.... too funny!!!

   BEST ADVICE: Be happy in front of people who don't like you, it kills them.

   Just got this porn called "Hot & Horny Housewives 3." Do you think I will understand what's going on if I haven't seen 1 and 2?

   Welcome to Hollister would you like a gas mask, flashlight, or earplugs?

   If I was a judge in the Olympic Trampoline events, I'd give the Silver to the chick with the biggest boobs, Gold if she doesn't wear a bra.

   Tax free weekend: the only two days out of the year that the government isn't fckng us.

   Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

   i just want to know when the chick-on-chick-fil-a sandwich comes out

   Welcome to Chik-Fila, doesn't really matters what you all protest for, as long as you EAT MORE CHICKEN!!

   The Girlfriend left a note on the fridge "IT'S NOT WORKING, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE , I'M GOING TO MOTHERS " I opened the fridge, the light came on, The Beer was Cold,,, What the Hell is she talking about !?!?

   I should run for political office to see what kind of shit they bring up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.

   So today Gays and Lesbians are going to chick-fil-a to kiss in protest of the company. I'm hoping to go to see Some hot lesbian action, but it will probably be a bunch of dudes sucking face. #DecsionsDecesions

   My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension. She said she just couldn't take it any longer.

   The noblest of dogs of all dogs is the hot dog , It feeds the hand that bites it !!

   The Olympics are only around to make white people feel good at sports