Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Religion, While you were debating what chicken sandwiches were okay to eat, I just landed on Mars. Sincerely, Your Pal Science

   I'm so blessed not to have you in my life.

   I just found human hairs in my McDonald's burger. When did they start using natural ingredients?

   "I'll eat your kids for breakfast!" - me talking to a chicken.

   Pull your skirt down, sweetie. Your daddy issues are showing.

   Guess who has two thumbs and is high off bath salt… sh!t where are my fu cking thumbs…

   We're all like corn.... Just passing through

   The inventor of the doorbell OBVIOUSLY did not own a chihuahua

   Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.

   I gave $10 to our local Little League team, just to be called an "Athletic Supporter"

   I bet homeless people think we're making fun of them when we go camping.

   It's good to see Peyton Manning doing what he does best - pretending he drives a Buick.

   I wanted to stop for McDonald's this morning but the line was too wide.

   Bought my first Bluetooth last night at a gas station. Haven't used it yet but it works great. I leave it in and people no longer look at me like I'm nuts when I talk to myself.....

   Decided to spend my entire day alone in the car. Or as she calls it "shopping "

   NASA announces rover "Curiosity" landed safely on Mars. In a related story, Martians are reportedly furious over the death of their cat...vow revenge.

   Substituting coffee for sleep is like substituting deodorant for a shower.

   95% of every relationship is navigating the question "Where should we eat?" without it turning into World War III.

   Its amazing that we as people get curious and it cost a lot of money we just say "nah... its not worth it" but when the government gets "Curiosity" They spend billions on it.

   Curiosity just landed on Mars. I hope there will be a picture of the 3 titties lady..