Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 3335 of 6446

Millions of Martian cats are fleeing in terror, at this moment
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08-06-2012 01:53 by @tuxxer
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strange, I dont remember eating dental floss
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08-05-2012 20:19
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Sitting on the toilet this morning, I was reminded of my first divorce. At first I thought it had been a clean break, but then it got messy and there was lots of paperwork.
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08-05-2012 19:49
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going to watch the Mars Rover landing tonigt just to find out if chicks really have 3 boobs there.
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08-05-2012 19:21 by Vybe
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I'm terrible with women. Even my sex doll only wants to be friends.
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08-05-2012 19:02
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I think the Krispy Kreme fresh donut light is my Bat-Signal
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08-05-2012 18:20 by snotty
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Bowling is my favorite sport because you don't have to run and there's beer five feet away.
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08-05-2012 18:09
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The way my luck is going I wouldn't get laid in a womens prison with a carton of Malboros under my arm
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08-05-2012 17:58
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Even when gymnasts screw up there is a line of people to hug them, lie to them & say "nice job". I wish I had that.
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08-05-2012 14:42
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She cheerfully asked me "where were you all my life?" So I honestly told her "hiding in your bathroom" and now I have a restraining order
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08-05-2012 14:36
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My new puppy is acting like all my ex's. She just sits by the door whining to be let out.
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08-05-2012 14:25
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You ask my name like you really want to remember it for the police report.
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08-05-2012 14:10
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Your Sunday morning bible lesson :And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."....... But John came fifth and won a toaster.
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08-05-2012 13:37
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I'm watching Olympics Women's Basketball. The USA is slaughtering China. I mean, the Chinese are so polite, they just hand the ball to the Americans, and say, "Go ahead! You make score!"
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08-05-2012 13:02 by Cornaga
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Stay away from a place called, "Farm Fresh Restaurant". I ordered the chicken soup. A rooster walked up and teabagged his ball$ in a hot bowl of water at my table.
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08-05-2012 12:23 by Clamwah
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Even in the Olympics, women's basketball is unwatchable.
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08-05-2012 11:55
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Played “Big Pimpin” when I saw the Jay-Z's at Toy R Us yesterday. It was worth the a$$ whipping!!
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08-05-2012 11:45
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I hate it when subway picks the crappiest sub for their "$5 sub of the month"
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08-05-2012 10:22
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OMG. A real girl in real life just tried to talk to me. I didn't know what to say, so I asked her what her zodiac sign was. That's good, right?
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08-05-2012 09:47
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My good morals are in my other pants.
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08-05-2012 09:46
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