Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Millions of Martian cats are fleeing in terror, at this moment

   strange, I dont remember eating dental floss

   Sitting on the toilet this morning, I was reminded of my first divorce. At first I thought it had been a clean break, but then it got messy and there was lots of paperwork.

   going to watch the Mars Rover landing tonigt just to find out if chicks really have 3 boobs there.

   I'm terrible with women. Even my sex doll only wants to be friends.

   I think the Krispy Kreme fresh donut light is my Bat-Signal

   Bowling is my favorite sport because you don't have to run and there's beer five feet away.

   The way my luck is going I wouldn't get laid in a womens prison with a carton of Malboros under my arm

   Even when gymnasts screw up there is a line of people to hug them, lie to them & say "nice job". I wish I had that.

   She cheerfully asked me "where were you all my life?" So I honestly told her "hiding in your bathroom" and now I have a restraining order

   My new puppy is acting like all my ex's. She just sits by the door whining to be let out.

   You ask my name like you really want to remember it for the police report.

   Your Sunday morning bible lesson :And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."....... But John came fifth and won a toaster.

   I'm watching Olympics Women's Basketball. The USA is slaughtering China. I mean, the Chinese are so polite, they just hand the ball to the Americans, and say, "Go ahead! You make score!"

   Stay away from a place called, "Farm Fresh Restaurant". I ordered the chicken soup. A rooster walked up and teabagged his ball$ in a hot bowl of water at my table.

   Even in the Olympics, women's basketball is unwatchable.

   Played “Big Pimpin” when I saw the Jay-Z's at Toy R Us yesterday. It was worth the a$$ whipping!!

   I hate it when subway picks the crappiest sub for their "$5 sub of the month"

   OMG. A real girl in real life just tried to talk to me. I didn't know what to say, so I asked her what her zodiac sign was. That's good, right?

   My good morals are in my other pants.