Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If by girlfriend material you mean lying on the couch in my undies, shoving nutella in my mouth and smoking pot I guess I'm your girl.

   My girlfriend just replied to my text saying she is up for a threesome tonight! Now I am anxiously waiting for my wife to reply.

   Women say magazines portray an unrealistic image of beauty therefore making them feel inadequate. Then they buy 12 inch dild0s.

   That earthquake lasted longer than Kim Kardashian's relationship.

   swears if burn my mouth on ONE MORE PIECE OF PIZZA...I will probably continue to buy and eat pizza for the rest of my life.

   I just wanted you all to know that I'm leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I've made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I'll miss all of u, but I've decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!

   I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives. The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

   Unicorns eventually got into rough @n@l-play. And that's why they're extinct.

   I see all these different hairstyles come and go back and forth! Can ''Baldness'' have just one month.....say this September!!!

   Forgetful? Can't remember where you put things? There's an app for that, somewhere...

   Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.

   If we're not supposed to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the fridge?

   The Mars Rover reports there are only 167 Starbucks on Mars!

   You never see Micael Pelps's father in the stands because he is a dolphin.

   Dear Maroon 5: You can borrow my phone as long as you promise never to sing again.

   so youre looking for a good guy who will love and respect you, but yet you post half naked pics on your fb? why thats. .thats brilliant!

   waiting for the chinese to develope a way for me to order my food online and not have to listen to their crap anymore.

   I got a job as a bounty hunter in China. Couldn't believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!

   I married my wife for her looks........just not the ones she's been giving me lately!

   How many divorced men does it atke to change a light bulb?......No one knows they never keep the house!