Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Millions of Martian cats are fleeing in terror, at this moment
←Rate | 08-06-2012 01:53 by @tuxxer Comments (0)  


   messageicon strange, I dont remember eating dental floss
←Rate | 08-05-2012 20:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sitting on the toilet this morning, I was reminded of my first divorce. At first I thought it had been a clean break, but then it got messy and there was lots of paperwork.
←Rate | 08-05-2012 19:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon going to watch the Mars Rover landing tonigt just to find out if chicks really have 3 boobs there.
←Rate | 08-05-2012 19:21 by Vybe Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm terrible with women. Even my sex doll only wants to be friends.
←Rate | 08-05-2012 19:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think the Krispy Kreme fresh donut light is my Bat-Signal
←Rate | 08-05-2012 18:20 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bowling is my favorite sport because you don't have to run and there's beer five feet away.
←Rate | 08-05-2012 18:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The way my luck is going I wouldn't get laid in a womens prison with a carton of Malboros under my arm
←Rate | 08-05-2012 17:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Even when gymnasts screw up there is a line of people to hug them, lie to them & say "nice job". I wish I had that.
←Rate | 08-05-2012 14:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon She cheerfully asked me "where were you all my life?" So I honestly told her "hiding in your bathroom" and now I have a restraining order
←Rate | 08-05-2012 14:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My new puppy is acting like all my ex's. She just sits by the door whining to be let out.
←Rate | 08-05-2012 14:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You ask my name like you really want to remember it for the police report.
←Rate | 08-05-2012 14:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Your Sunday morning bible lesson :And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."....... But John came fifth and won a toaster.
←Rate | 08-05-2012 13:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm watching Olympics Women's Basketball. The USA is slaughtering China. I mean, the Chinese are so polite, they just hand the ball to the Americans, and say, "Go ahead! You make score!"
←Rate | 08-05-2012 13:02 by Cornaga Comments (0)  


   messageicon Stay away from a place called, "Farm Fresh Restaurant". I ordered the chicken soup. A rooster walked up and teabagged his ball$ in a hot bowl of water at my table.
←Rate | 08-05-2012 12:23 by Clamwah Comments (2)  


   messageicon Even in the Olympics, women's basketball is unwatchable.
←Rate | 08-05-2012 11:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Played “Big Pimpin” when I saw the Jay-Z's at Toy R Us yesterday. It was worth the a$$ whipping!!
←Rate | 08-05-2012 11:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate it when subway picks the crappiest sub for their "$5 sub of the month"
←Rate | 08-05-2012 10:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon OMG. A real girl in real life just tried to talk to me. I didn't know what to say, so I asked her what her zodiac sign was. That's good, right?
←Rate | 08-05-2012 09:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My good morals are in my other pants.
←Rate | 08-05-2012 09:46 Comments (0)  




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