Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To think, millions of children go to bed every night without knowing what their Sleep Number is.

   Lots of woman stay in relationships just to have somebody around to kill spiders and open jars.

   Weren't the Olympics supposed to add bum fighting this year?!

   I was pulled over for driving a Ford Tempo without a cigarette in my mouth.

   Piñatas are a great way to show kids that using assault with a deadly weapon is a fun way to get what they want.

   Do video games cause violence? Why don't you ask these teens kicking all the animals at the petting zoo hoping they burst into coins.

   Ladies, He's not looking at p0rn because he's bored with you. He's been dating his hands his whole life, and that's who's getting boring.

   I'm old enough to remember when they had to put disclaimers on p0rn saying it was for "education purposes".

   Today's menu: 1 gallon of attitude, 3 cups of sarcasm, 2 tbsp of leave me the hell alone, and a generous cup of shut the feck up!

   You yield at a circle intersection, you don't stop if there is nobody in the circle people!

   when you are staring at your beautiful reflection in the mirror, point at it and say "YOU ARE AWESOME!" everyday and you will believe it. then trim your nose hairs because they are looking pretty disgusting.

   it safe to say the guys who drive the little 4 cylinders with the loud ass coffee can muffler also have a tiny weenie?

   Sometimes I like to have a staring contest with my reflection in the mirror. It can go on for hours at a time but always ends in a draw. Well played reflection, well played.

   what good is my android when my toilets in a dead zone

   What idiot takes a cab from Philly all the way to Bel-Air? And then he has the nerve to complain about the smell afterward.

   I usually feel much better after I have evacuated all of the Westboro Baptist Church out of my colon

   I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.

   sexier than socks on a rooster.

   there is no better way to follow everyone in the world then here!!:) also I can save the money I spend on the van and candy!

   I've paid for my sins. Now give me my change!