Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Screw Olmpic soccer. If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 mins I'd go watch old security tapes of me sitting at the bar.

   It's amazing what a little paint will do. Women's faces have know this for years.

   You ever get that feeling the case of beer is gonna rip and cans go everywhere? Well that just happened to me..

   Why doesn't Mitt's wife want to be the first lady? Because she would have to move into a smaller house

   Trying to take something out of the oven without burning myself is like playing adult Operation.

   What is the Beach Boys song Kokomo about?

   I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn't even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

   So I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex. She told me she had been having sex with an A-Hole for years.

   Every night for almost two weeks I have tuned in to watch the XXX Summer Olympic Games and I must say that I'm disappointed. I have yet to see anything that should be rated R let alone XXX.

   Dear Public Restrooms, Please loosen the spindle for your TP. NOONE likes wiping their a$$ with a handful of confetti! Sincerely, Gotta Poop!

   A good friend knows how you take your coffee. A great friend adds booze.

   Do midget farts smell half as bad?

   I told you I'm busy! Who are you going to believe, me or the 50 tweets I p0sted in the last hour?

   When a man orders salad and wine at dinner, I order a huge steak and a beer, because someone has to show him how not to be a pu$$y.

   I hate it when I am flirting with a hot girl and the fat girl between us thinks I am flirting with her fat ass.

   Dear Google, Stop making stupid doodles to f**k with the productivity of the employees of other offices.

   wondering why everyone is so excited about landing a rover on Mars. Did everyone forget that we've been landing junk there (including 2 other rovers) since 1976.

   if man evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys??

   Ever notice that as soon as you wash your car, sprinklers that you have never seen before suddenly become active just as you drive up.

   To my opponent in songpop that keeps selecting "Classic R&B"... no one likes you.