Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I believe in evolution by natural selection. But I have one big problem with it. Its not fast enough and there are too many safeguards in place not to let nature do its thing.

   I'm at my best when no one is around.

   I'm so hungry I could drink 5 more beers.

   I just got flipped off from a guy in a smart car. I didnt know if I should be mad or laugh.

   I was angry when my neighbors put a fence around their swimming pool but then I got over it

   I should not be punished for you being stupid

   When my kids look back on the photos of my life they'll think, "Wow, he wore that shirt a lot."

   FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"

   Unless you're a dog, you shouldn't be that excited to see me.

   One nicely manicured pu$$y is worth two in the bush.

   You had me at 'gender realignment scars'.

   I had a star named for you. Now everyone can look up in the sky and say "look, there's the Tremendous Ass!".

   I am so sorry they can't dislodge my stress ball from your ass :(

   One Flush: Courtesy. Two flushes: Don't go in there! Three flushes: run for your lives, she's gonna blow!

   Sometimes I wish every guy gets a girlfriend like mine...why the hell should only I suffer.

   call me a weasel, a coward or a jerk but whenever I am feelin smothered, manipulated, controlled, used, trapped or suffocating in a relationship I always bail out.

   Forget the Mars rover, science's greatest accomplishment has to be keeping that baby from falling out of Snooki.

   Hell hath no fury like a woman bored.

   Probably the worst time to say "Or what?!" is when the cops are telling you to drop the gun and step out of the vehicle.

   "The best things in life are me." - Narcissists.