Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sex might satisfy, food might fuel, love might sustain, but without booze, what is the point?

   Even though I can't fix stupid, maybe this duct tape will keep it from getting worse.

   That pervert watched me and my girlfriend have sex! Man I hate Spiders!

   whenever my nephew says i'm his girlfriend I tell him just because we're from oklahoma doesn't mean we have to play the part.

   I don't hate you, because even hating you would be a waste of my emotions.

   I was gonna tell my wife she sucks for not giving me an@l but then I realized she doesn't do that either.

   What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend.

   Never tell a lady you wanna have sex with her mouth. Ask NICELY. "May you show me what your mouth can do?" Be a damn gentleman for once!

   Dear people that celebrate whenever they acquire a new "hater", add ME to the list.

   It is not like I was a productive person before Facebook anyway

   I perform my best sexually at gunpoint.

   Everyone knows MC Hammer pants were designed for shoplifting.

   You get into alotta trouble living with a lazy eye, cause no matter how you look at someone, it's always the wrong way.

   Ecuador gave Julian Assange asylum because they're afraid he'll tell everyone which countries they think are cute.

   Guys; You know you need to lose weight when your girlfriend is always wanting to suck on your titties.

   My empty fridge just whispered, "When's Payday?"

   I love cooking for my man because it makes me feel both independent and oppressed at the same time.

   Kristen Stewart has the same face expression I have everytime I check in a hotel with no wifi

   Alcohol only hurts me because it loves me.

   Nobody has enough cargo to need those pants.