Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being in love is the smartest way of being stupid.

   Hell is just a place where they play Justin Bieber's music all day.

   Women are like Alarm Clocks. It's such a relief when they finally shut the hell up.

   I had so many great women in my life, yet I don't know where they're at... at least that's what I told the cops ;)

   On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.

   Since I'm sleeping on the couch, Switced my wife's alka seltzer water with red bull and 2 laxative pills!!! Her shittz going to fly!

   Since I'm sleeping on the couch, Switced my wife's alka seltzer water with red bull and 2 laxative pills, Since I'm sleeping on the couch !!!

   Now that the Olympics are over, Michael Phelps can finally be released back into the ocean so he can be in his natural habitat

   Not all that glitters is gold. Take, for instance, glitter.

   I think the worst part about stubbing your toe is knowing a few seconds later the pain will come.

   Just got an X-ray at the hospital and tried to crack on to the chick doing it........she could see right through me though :(

   I always wonder what the weather men in Arizona do with their time slot. "Well people all week, hot and no rain!" Back to you Jim.

   To avoid identity theft when I die, I want to be shredded.

   One of my buddies on facebook "liked" the movie 8 seconds. It said on facebook that "Dave likes 8 seconds." I bet his wife doesn't.

   If I let you control the music in my car, it means I would probably take a bullet for you.

   Reading some of the crap on Facebook makes me want to go watch an R rated movie just because I know whiny children won't be there.

   GOVERNMENT.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot America? (Y/N)?

   can't understand why Victoria's Secret incorrectly refers to these "wine-drinking, recliner pants" I'm wearing as "yoga pants."

   I heard a guy complaining how expensive his wedding is costing him. Boy, he is gonna be real pist when he finds out how much his divorce is going to cost

   You never forget the first time you learned what a PROLAPSE is. Damn you, Google images.