Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Helpful hint: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.

   I do declare douchebaggery and shenanigans! Happy F-Off Friday

   Single bells, single bells,single all the way oh what fun it is to see couples fight all day hey!

   I violently vomit and get overwhelmed with suicidal thoughts whenever I read B EGO's sentimental crap.

   Are you gonna eat that... or just take pictures?

   I swear people who like temperatures in the 90s don't actually work for a living.

   And on the day that Pooh found out bacon tasted better than honey, we all knew Piglet's days were numbered.

   Not ALL of B EGO's shtuff is funny, but I've seen quite a few good ones from him. We all bomb once in a while. :)

   I violently vomit when I see anonymoys F-tards that wanna be little kids and insult someone they don't even know. Don't be a puss!

   there such a thing as a bad friday?

   The people in horror movies would live a lot longer if they listened to me in the audience.

   If a girl bangs 10 guys in a year, she's a slut. If a guy does it, he's gay, definitely gay.

   11 year olds today: "Omg I love smokin pot. I get like so drunk. Yolo!" Me when I was 11: "I can't wait to go home and play Club Penguin!

   Myspace: Died a couple of years ago. Facebook: In the hospital. Twitter: At the strip club throwing ones at the big booty bit$hes.

   I cant stand when people say a babies age in months after a year old. "Yeah he's 29 months old", B$tch don't make me do math.

   British accent: Justin Biebah. American: Justin Biebur. Australian: Jastin Beybah. You just tried out all of the accents, didnt you?

   Voicemail should be renamed “messages from people over 40″

   If swimming would just add one shark, I would watch it more than football.

   Dear God, I wanna take a minute, not to ask for anything from you. But simply to say thank you, for all I have.

   My wife is a banquet cook... If it says Banquet on the box, she can cook it!