Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   3. That's how many times you have to ask someone if they're grumpy before they get grumpy.

   P0rn is so unrealistic. There's no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.

   I can't prove God isn't real, but at the same time, I can't prove that my dog doesn't run a violent Asian street gang while I'm asleep.

   has anyone noticed how the sun makes ones hair colour lighter but skin colour darker?!?

   Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.

   If you come to my front door with a clip board I will just ask you if your clip board is an ipad until you leave.

   Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard

   I can't afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.

   I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.

   Nothing's more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.

   They are making a new pirates of the carribean. It's called "Pirates of the Carribean - Curse of We Still Don't Know What the Hell This Movie Is About"

   There's a squirrel on my roof,,, or this new blood pressure medicine is too strong...

   "Don't you play stupid with me!" shouted my wife. "Why would I play something I have no chance of winning?" I replied.

   HEY,,,, Don't complain to me about "how hard life is out there",,, When I was your age,,, they only had three types of salad dressing,,,,,,,THREE......

   Actually,,, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is,,,,,, Just open the door and push her out.

   I'm single by choice. Not MY choice, but it's still a choice.

   Girl: "Go on, don't be shy and ask me out." Boy: "Ok, get out."

   Pissing people off since 1989....And getting better at it everyday !!!

   Behind every good time ...there is alwayz a crime.

   I grew up in a tough neighborhood. Frequently, the green berets would pick on me. People call them Girl Scouts, but whatever...