Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know what is more nerve wrecking... this first kiss or the first fart.

   When Egypt had no internet, it was just called Gypt.

   The first rule of Mormon fight club is: Going door to door and talk about Mormon fight club

   Dear google, when I type in the letter A and you suggest Anna Kournikova Nude, please produce results, Thank you.

   You can tell we're in a depression and poor cuz everyone's Verizon ringtone is that d@mn Mozart classical song.....

   I don't know about you, but I can't wait to be ashamed about what I do this weekend.

   The term SWAG originated in the 1500's ... the only thing secretly gay is you.

   Has anyone seen my sisters baby I'm supposed to be watching? It's no big deal, just let me know. Time is becoming an issue.

   I don't know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.

   A man came to my door and asked if I would make a donation to the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

   "SWAG" LOL....I love to know where words originate from and in the 1960's a group of men came up with the term "SWAG"....it's meaning Secretly We Are G@y!! True story!! So go get your SWAG on and please post on FB everytime you do so I can laugh at you!!

   I'm not "Mr Right" but I'll do freaky stuff to you till he shows up.

   Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Her vibrat0r is a very close second.

   My body language must be in a foreign language because nobody seems to understand me.

   Sometimes I cover myself in vasoline and pretend I'm a slug.

   Lost my hearing a few years back. It's gonna suck when my wife finds out...

   Told my wife today she looked sexy with black fingernails Now she thinks I slammed the car door on them on purpose !!!!!

   I can turn wine into sex.

   it really considered a date if I have to keep tipping her?

   You need a woman whose last name doesn't end in .jpg, .wmv, or .mpg