Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.

   Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view.

   remembering that day when I caught my GF in bed with my best friend, I walked up to him, grabbed him by the collar and said "bad dog!"

   Those people who try to tear you down are just pissed that they can't reach you where you are standing.

   A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.

   I consider myself to be a "political atheist" because I don't believe anything politicians say.

   Siri is like an Ex. She was great once but now I'm repeating myself and she never listens to me, and by the end of the conversation I'm yelling.

   Time to diet. Went to the neighborhood pool today and all the women dressed me with their eyes...

   my therapist said I have multiple personalities and rage issues so we hit him...

   Hey people that are jog, if you really wanna sell me on this jogging thing, you are gonna have to stop making those faces that make it look like it sucks.

   Am I the only one who thinks of those padded toilet seats when someone says, "more cushion for the pushin?"

   In case you guys are wondering how screwed up my brain is... I saw a little girl at the store throwing her teddy bear up in the air saying, "he likes to get high" and all I could think was "don't we all sweetie."

   If someone hates you for no reason, give that idiot a reason.

   If you see a woman drinking Coors immediately ask her on a date cause she'll swallow anything.

   My new girlfriend has a multiple personality disorder. I think it's great!. It's like being with a different girl every time we have sex. Except for the one time... she turned into Dave the construction worker.

   Pot is not a gateway drug that leads to harder drugs. It's more of a drive thru drug that leads to burgers and fried chicken.

   I post sunsets and call them sunrises just so my friends don't know I sleep till Noon...

   Guys are always saying they get their woman to make them a sandwich right after sex. If she can walk straight after having sex, you're doing it wrong! Go make your own damn sandwich!

   thanks dad, for filling my inbox up with fwd e-mails...

   I liked my mirror from 10 years ago much better than the one I have now...