Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Vertigo meds warn that they "may cause dizziness"...WTF! That's like the blue pill warning that it "may cause chemical castration"!

   I can not stand the new style with hip hop music, they say one word then repeat it a dozen times. It is so freakin annoying and lame lame lame lame lame.

   so at a grocery store restroom I walked in on an old man shaking water from his hands. he looks up and says to me "nuthin has come out in a week". I stood there hoping to God he was refering to the paper towel dispenser

   Fight poverty, smack a hobo!

   "The Hangover Part 3" starring Prince Harry is now playing out in real life. Also you can now say every Ruler ISN'T 12 Inches LONG.

   Why the hell has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?

   Why is it that girls in tampon commercials laugh and dance ? shouldn't they be revving chainsaws and burning shit down

   Hey Vegas, your slogan is bullsh!t" – Prince Harry

   Hurricane Issac heading for GOP Convention maybe they "has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

   Apparently, Emma Watson is to star in the movie adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey. If this turns out to be true, by the end of that movie my peni$ will be fifty shades of purple.

   You don't need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

   Have you heard about the upcoming vegetarian Zombie apocalypse? They only eat grains....

   "You love to laugh?? Wow, how unique!" said no one, ever...

   My EX is crazy, if her emotions were on my iPod, they would be on shuffle.

   Bryan Brown ‎"Can I see your phone??" SURE.. Just don't look in my contacts.... or my texts... or my pics.. or my videos... or my.. you know what just give me my damn phone back.. #Mr.Brown

   apparently just having one of those days....tonight is definitely going to be sponsored by Coors light!!

   Funny how the sound of a melody, brings back a memory...

   I'm pretty sure that the demise of dinosaurs was because they were driving hybrids.

   I must be grown up, I suffer from Vodka Vision, not beer goggles...

   getting tattoos on your face does not cover up ugly....it makes you ugly wit a "F"☞ "FUGLY"....ツ