Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ....Nothing says "F@#K YOU" better than "your call has been forwarded to automatic voice message center"

   When I was young, I had to walk all the way to the TV to change the channels.

   I'm not certain, exactly, when I became "old". But, I've narrowed it down to sometime between 1988 and last night, when I noticed Song Pop classify "Guns 'n Roses" as "Classic Rock"

   It's 2012. We're supposed to have flying cars and stuff. But no... Just pajamas that look like jeans.

   I swear ugly people find love faster.

   If a car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a little so the cars behind me can see I'm not causing the traffic

   I want to make a puzzle that says "Get a job" after its completed.

   I remember the day I used to be so proud of my son. Now look at him.

   deep in the forest theres a metal box that controls most forest settings. toggle birds, set default leaf size, select season, squirrel ratio

   Ladies, holding out on sex with your man to get what you want will not work. He will just take longer showers.

   Capitalism: work hard, become rich like rommney. Or sit at home and be a poor loser

   Be with a guy that ruins your lipstick, not your mascara

   The fastest way to fix that annoying noise in your car, is to just open the door..... And push her the f out.

   it just me or do country line dancers look like redneck zombies??

   I've got the moves like jagger! Just kidding, I dance like a retarded penguin.

   Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

   "My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ....

   To the additional pot that was on the stove after I thought I was done washing the dishes, I hate your stinkin' guts.

   Congratulations to Iggy Pop who has managed to find a way to look great for his age and terrible for his age at the same time.

   It's cool when a band smashes their equipment after their last song. It'd be even cooler if Creed did it before their first song.