Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Old songs = Best memories

   Bird took a dump on my car. So I waited until it left the nest and.... Oh man. You should have seen how confused the bird was...

   Im worried, about that one cute sweet innocent girl who keeps liking my fb post.

   I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.

   How do you know if someone is Vegan?? Don't worry, they'll effin tell you

   Learned a lesson from my dog tonight.................No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.

   There would be no limits to what a man could achieve... if he were to apply the same level of focus, persistence and dedication to his daily life... that he does when drunk and trying to convince a hot lesbian to sleep with him...

   i finally figured out what I wanna be when I get older...........................Younger!

   I'm thinking of writing in "Anti-Christ" for presidential candidate choice... Either way, my pick wins...

   The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

   I called it "Perseverance" the court, however, called it "stalking"

   Im kinda new to video games, how do I get these ghosts to stop following me

   any body else going to grab a six pack order a pizza and watch the GOP convention?

   Relationships are all about finding someone that hates children just as much as you do.

   Somedays, I just like to live wild and dangerous... These are the days I say to a woman, "calm. the. hell. down."

   Told a girl to make me a sandwich & she was like "go away, sexist idiot!". Cool but telling me I'm sexy doesn't make me less hungry.

   Women can be so ungrateful. I just made breakfast in bed & instead of thanking me, she screams "Who are you! How did you get in my house?"

   Never underestimate a Cat 1 Hurricane: I've never seen a situation involving one cat, water & a blow dryer end well..

   God invented women and the next day he invented vodka cause he was like holy hell, sorry bro.

   Many women say a guy who makes them laugh is all they want. They fail to mention all the things it takes to put them in the mood to laugh.