Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've tried listening, comforting and giving concrete solutions to your problem. Nothing worked. Is it me or your endless PMS?

   mexican word for the day: "Herpes". Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

   I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.

   Mexican word of the day "Budweiser" That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

   I'm just a boy. In love with a girl. Standing here quietly. Behind your shower curtain. Watching.

   Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

   I am the undefeated champion of this"smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don't-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day" game

   I never root for a mime or a guy with a chain wallet to walk it across the street successfully.

   A Texas man died during a lap dance at a strip club. His Tomstone is going to read "His wife said he was a good hubby, but he died with a chubby."

   I just inadvertently murdered two snails in front of what I can only assume was their son. As a result, I may have just created the snail equivalent of the batman.

   I would never shut up if I had a British accent.

    Coffee (n.): a magical substance that turns "leave me alone, or die!" into "good morning people of the world".

   I only fall for women that are cold, damaged and empty inside. That way I don't get accused of up a good thing.

   You know its true love when she makes you wanna stop deleting your browser history.

   Today is the sixth of September, also known as 6/9. A calendar somewhere must be having fun right now.

   Speaking in a reasonable voice doesn't make your argument reasonable.

   You can't control random.

   What appears to be an inherent characteristic applicable to all human beings is the unfathomable tendency to resort to choosing that which they know is inadvertently the worst for them.

   Next person that talks politics with me I'm kicking in the crotch. I don't care if they elect a pineapple into office. It's all one big game anyway.

   What you do when people sing happy birthday to you: 5% - Sing. 10% - Smile. 85% - Sit there like a dumbf#ck trying to figure out what to do.